It Is All Part Of Their Evil Plan...

I seem to be losing my hair at rapid speeds. It must be a hormonal thing, or a spring thing, or an alcohol-related thing... or maybe it is because I pull it out while I scream type of thing. In any case, it is driving me mad I tell you! Mad!

The longer my hair gets, the more I lose. Taking a shower has become a burden. My biggest pet peeve (and yes, I am aware that I have many pet peeves) is hair on the soap. The problem with my hair is that it is blond, so I cannot see it easily on the soap and it takes me 15 minutes just to scrape it off. I also cannot see the hair that I feel between my fingers and toes during a shower and the hairs that slip down the back of my legs and take up residence right behind my knee only to bother me take at least 30 minutes to hunt down and remove from my body. By the time I step out of the shower, I need a shot of tequila to calm my nerves.

When I blow my hair dry I can see it just flying off of my head and falling to the ground. When I put product through my lovely locks I end up with fists full of hair. When I turn to leave the bathroom I glance over my shoulder and see what looks like a hair garden sprouting on my back.

I waste valuable moments of my life by plucking fallen hairs off of my back and shoulders all day long. Some people may mistake my children for monkeys because they are always picking random hairs off of me. Well, that and the fact that they have been known to swing from the Ad banners in Target.

If I really wanted to send my OCD into a tailspin, I would count the amount of hairs I lose everyday-but then I would have no time left to do more important things like watch American Idol, or hide in the closet eating ding dongs.

I am just waiting for the police to come knocking at my door and arrest me for a crime I did not commit because they found one of my hairs at the grisly scene... all because I was driving with my windows rolled down one day.

What is a girl to do? Do I just shave it all off and change my name to G.I. Jane? Demi Moore pulled it off. I don't think I have the bone structure for that look.

This is all the fault of men you know. Bald as they are, they like women to have long hair. Hairy as their legs are, they like women to have smooth legs, Big boxer short wearing as they do, they like women to wear little tiny pieces of fabric and call it underwear. It is the fault of men that I have to vacuum my bathroom everyday. It is the fault of men that I have to curl and spray and tease my hair until it springs from my head in defiance. Men... first they screw us with the equal pay thing, and now they have discovered a way to dominate our hair. Curses-foiled again!


A Simple Sinner said...

Sharing a bathroom with a long-haired teenage sister in high school I was always amazed at

a) how much she shed and
b) how impossible it was for her after a shower to remove the ball of hair and soapscum and what-not that formed around the drain.

And men are gross?

Catholic Audio said...

Did you get my email?

Anonymous said...

Have you had your adrenal hormones tested? I would go to your nearest natropathic doctor and do a spit test for $100. My hair was doing that and it turns out my hormone levels were so freaking low. Not good. Your body is telling you you have a problem.

Anonymous said...

Love the blog. So where's a pic of the horse??
I have to post anon on these blogger blogs, but I'm Remudamom


Keep drinking the beer, June.

Peggy Sez.. said...

You mean it's NOT supposed to fall out? ACKKK!

I'm with radical catholic mom have the test done then waiting for the results will take your mind off of your hair...;P

Momto5Minnies said...

Maybe it's stress related????

Hair is everywhere in my house ... 5 girls, myself , and a dog. Our male has little hair on his head, but the body stuff is pretty abundant. I really get grossed out by the hair in the soap thing ... yuck.

I know you are a natural blonde, but do you get a little help from the salon? Maybe your hair has somoe damage from the products used.

Ouiz said...

I'm losing fistfuls of hair right now, but that's because I'm 3 months postpartum...

Still, not a fun thing by ANY stretch of the imagination (and my hair is almost black, so you can SEE all the hair that I'm shedding! ooh boy!)