For Better Or Worse...

Over the past few years, I have discovered some events, tasks, and chores that should not be done with a spouse. This past weekend, I was sorely reminded of this list as my darling husband and I did all of these together and we almost did not survive. It was hairy, and he almost lost a limb. Thank God I found this list again to remind myself of the guidelines to sanity in a marriage.

#1 You should never, under no circumstances move furniture with your spouse. Carl and I moved furniture together this weekend. It was really my fault as I am referred to as "The Great Re-Arranger" in my home. I decided that we needed to move the 1000 lb. treadmill from the guest room to our bedroom. Why you ask? Well isn't it obvious? I wanted to not only drive my husband crazy, but I also figured that if I had to look at the treadmill every day that I would be more apt to actually USE the stupid thing. Next weekend I want to move the refrigerator to the other side of the kitchen... my husband's hernia should be better by then.

#2 You should never hang things on the wall with your spouse. Unless you want to argue about what is level to you and what is level to your spouse (who apparently has one leg longer than the other because they cannot see what it level if it hit them in the head.) It is easier if one of the spouses just leaves the room and lets the other one tackle this task on their own. When you return to the room you should never criticize the unlevelness of the hanging artwork. This is imperative-do not ever tell your husband that he hung the frame too high/crooked/too low/or on the wrong wall. It is hung-leave it at that and go on with life happily every after and try to never again look at the hung artwork on the wall.

#3 Do not go shoe shopping with your spouse. Your idea of shoes are completely different from your husband's idea of shoes. You may want comfortable and sensible, fashionable and trendy. He will want whore whore whore. I went in for a nice pair of black boots this weekend and walked out with a pair that Cat Woman herself would wear.

#4 Do not balance the checkbook together. I know that all of the financial experts out there tell all of us married folk that we need to do the finances together. These people are idiots (sorry Dave Ramsey, I believe everything you say... except for this.) I do not think that my husband needs to be involved in the finances whatsoever. He just needs to make the money, I will pay the bills, save a little and spend the rest. All is right with the world when that is in place. When he decides to help me balance the checkbook, that is when the real fireworks start. He does not understand my codes. He does not understand why I hide money and mislabel things. He does not understand why I will not just mail the cable payment on the 15th when it is not due until the 22nd. I will mail it on the 19th because I like to keep the money in our account for as long as possible. He does not understand why I will transfer money from the checking account to the savings account but then transfer money from the savings account to the checking account for something different. It would take too long for me to explain all of this to him. It took me years to completely understand my techniques.

#5 Do not let your spouse pick out your clothes for a party with you. We had a Christmas party to go to for my husband's work. I was planning on wearing something very casual, but my husband thought I needed to wear something a little more "party-ish." I ended up wearing my new Cat Woman boots and a cleavage bearing top to a casual party where all of the other wives wore tan pants and sweaters that had Christmas trees on them and actual bells as ornaments. Needless to say I was not spoken to all evening.

#6 Most importantly, for the love of God, do not ever-I mean NEVER EVER paint a room with your spouse. If you do not heed my advice on this one, just make sure the divorce papers are drawn up before you put the primer on the walls. Consider yourselves warned.