Call Me On My Cell Phone... I Usually Have It Turned Off.

My husband has very poor telephone skills. He has these poor skills with only me though.

When he is at work he will call me several times a day causing me to stop what I am doing. The phone rings and I have to leap over piles of laundry, dodge little people asking for a snack, trip over the dog who is too lazy to move and grab at the phone in hopes that I will reach it before my allotted 4 rings is up.

When I answer I usually hear a disguised voice, which I know is my husband but I play along with his game and pretend that maybe, just maybe, the person on the other end of the phone is Raphael the pool boy who is hot for my body and wants to rub lotion all over me. Yes Raphael, oh, ah, you make me so horny.

After my husband is satisfied in his role playing, he goes on to give me directions for the rest of my day. He reminds me who has baseball practice, who has piano, who has ballet, who has karate, who has to have a diaper change after each feeding, who has to be wiped after they go poo in the toilet... and then he will make little suggestions like "do you think you can do a load of darks today?" or "The blue bathroom could really use a good scrubbing."

I tell you... I just don't know what I would do with my day if I did not have my husband reminding me of how to be a wife/mother/maid/taxi driver. By golly, I may just forget to put on clean underwear each morning if it were not for him.

His next question on the phone is always, "What's for Chow?" Now, it could be 8 in the morning and this man will still want to know what is for dinner. It is as if the success of his entire day depends on knowing if we are having an actual sit-down homemade supper... or just sandwiches. I usually do not know what I am going to make for supper until 45 minutes before supper time, heck, I am not even sure if I will be drinking by 3 p.m. yet! The day is early... give me a few hours.

Then something will happen in the background and he has to get off of the phone ASAP. He does this by simply saying "Gotta Go!" and hanging up. I can be in the middle of a sentence like "so the Dr. said that it has to be..." and he will say "gotta go!" and hang up. It is so frustrating that I vow to give my husband the silent treatment, but this does not work because I have to let him know I am giving him the silent treatment and when I do he will let me know that I am not being so silent by telling him that I am being silent. It is all very infuriating.

The funny thing about all of this is the days that my darling husband is too busy to call me, I get all pissy because he has ignored me. I start to think things like "Sheesh! I think about him all through my day and he can't even have the decency to give me a 2 second phone call to check in with me and these children of which he impregnated me with!" But then I will get that 2 second phone call and I will think "UGH! Why is he calling me and making me stop watching Dr. Phil?! What does he want!"

He can't win... seriously. But don't feel too bad for him, he does not know that he can't win. I have tried to explain all of this to him but he just says "Gotta Go!" and hangs up.

Thank God I have Raphael.