Tuesdays Are For Mondays... And Where Is Skeletor?

Last night I went to see the movie G.I. Joe with my 11 year old son. I tried to talk him into going to see Julia Julia but he was having none of that!

When I was a kid my next door neighbor had all of the G.I.Joe dolls. I had only one-Duke. He was the arch nemesis of my Ken doll and the bad boy in Barbie's Dream Mansion neighborhood. He drove around in a pink convertible and always stole Barbie away from Ken. He couldn't help it-he was a rebel, a loner with a passion for action and a need for speed. Barbie couldn't help but fall for him. She was defenseless to his camouflage pants and his buzz cut and Ken never had a chance with his sweater vests and side-parted plastic hair.

Poor Ken.

Thankfully I had about 50 Barbies and Ken found another mate-he saddled up next to the brunette Barbie, my least favorite of the bunch. I never combed her hair and made her wear the ugly "handmade craft fair clothes" from the bottom of the Barbie closet. Ken must have taken pity on her and they moved into the cardboard shoebox house next to the Dream Mansion and lived on food stamps and government cheese... but I think they were happy, not as happy as Barbie and Duke, but happy nonetheless.

Thank God my Therapist does not know about my blog.

Anyway...

So I went to see G.I. Joe last night and let me just say that I never knew the Joes had such an important mission in the world... but I was highly confused.

First of all... why don't normal people know about these special ops groups with alien like weapons and aircraft that can deflect bullets like rain on a tin roof? I mean, if the general public knew about these things and America just used these resources for the "normal" military... well we would have world domination wouldn't we?

Next... why are there so many girls in this movie? Were there girls in G.I. Joe when we were kids and if that is the case, why wasn't there a G.I. Jane before Demi Moore tried to be a Navy Seal? And what is up with their outfits? Who could fight wearing skin tight silicone and plastic domes for your boobs? I am not even going to mention their hair-the long, thick, flowing hair that looked orgasmic during the fight scenes. I wonder if they use that new hair product by Chaz Dean. If that is the case, I am soooo buying it!

Third... where was Skeletor? My son looked at me and rolled his eyes and said that Skeletor was not part of G.I.Joe, but I must argue this fact because Skeletor was friends with Cobra when I was a kid and they wreaked havoc on my neighborhood... just ask my mother. I mean, if you are going to remake a cartoon from my childhood you need to get it right! Sheesh...

But all in all it was a good movie (the parts that I paid attention to when I was not looking up Wen Hair care products on my cell phone) and they did a good job explaining things-not the way I thought the story came to be when I was a kid, but pretty good.

If they asked me what would have made this movie better, I would have said "A skinny blonde and a pink convertible."


But I will be the first to admit that I like the direction they took the movie in...

Yep.

6-Year-Olds Should Be In Charge Of National Defense...

I have a 6 year old.

I know...

I can hear the gasps through the Internet.

You are sitting there thinking to yourself, "June! You don't look old enough to have a 6 year old."

You are too kind.

Stop-you are making me blush.

I do have a 6 year old and anyone who is anyone knows that 6 year olds are a breed of their own.

They are too young to send to military school and too smart to know that when you threaten them with military school they know that you are bluffing....

Because all they have to do is smile at you and it is all over.

The memories of them being little babies and smelling so sweet is too fresh in the mind of a mother of a 6 year old that it is virtually impossible to stay mad at them for any offense they may have thrown your way.

But before you know it they are up to something else and by the end of the day you are ready to string them up from their toenails... only to be laughing at them again when they say something witty and profound.

Why does this happen? Why do little people go from being cute and cuddly when they are five to rascally and devilish when they are six?

And where do they get their little sassy mouth from?

I don't talk like that! Honest... I have never turned to my children and said "Yeah, well if you don't let me go first I won't be your friend anymore." and then stick my tongue out at them.

If my children took the time to listen to me they would say things like "Mommy, you are so beautiful." or "Mommy, you look so skinny today!"

Those are the kinds of things that I said to my mom when I was 6 because I was the perfect child. Mhm... perfect.

I never threatened to run away and have my own mother pack my bags and toss me out on the back porch, and I NEVER complained when my mother asked me to go get her something while she napped on the couch only to have her hug me for doing the chore and then smack me in the face for complaining about it.

Nope-I was the perfect 6 year old child and my mother will attest to this... just make sure you ask her after she has had her little nip of wine in the evening.

A-hem.

*It needs to be said that the above picture is not my child. My children are much cuter. I am not going to say who's child this is, but I will say that she gets her sweet disposition from her mother.*

There's No Crying In Baseball!

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to cry?

I have those all the time-as a matter of fact, I would like to cry right now but I won't because then my nose will start running and I will have to go fetch a tissue and I am all comfy on my couch... so comfy that I could cry.

See, it is a vicious cycle.

I have a friend who says that you are only allowed to cry if there is blood.

That may be the reason why I always feel the urge to cry when I am on my period. Blood is blood right-no one said it had to be a self inflicted wound-or even a wound that you inflict upon someone else... hmmm?

So last night I was home alone and for some reason I felt like crying.

I decided to have a party all by myself and it ended up being a pity party. Some people (men) may think that pity parties are silly. Some people (men) may think that pity parties are useless. Some people (men) may even think that pity parties are for the weak and powerless.

But I say O contraire mon frere!

I think crying is an amazing release. It is kind of like on Thanksgiving when you eat your weight in mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing and turkey and you need to either burp or fart in order to make room for the pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

There is nothing like a good cry to put your life back into perspective.

Someone talking about you and you can't violate your probation? Cry.

Dairy Queen stop making the Brownie Batter Blizzard because it was only around for a month? Cry.

Your neighbor's dog take a crap in your front yard and you step in it when you are mowing? Cry.

Go to the store for a gallon of milk and come home with three bags of crap that cost over $100 and somehow forget to buy the milk? Cry.

Need to go to an appointment that you are late for and as you rush into your car with your hair on fire and your temper a blazin' and look down and see that you are out of gas? Cry.

Lose your keys? Cry.

Lose the elastic in your favorite bra? Cry.

Lose the remote and have to get up and turn the channel-only you have one of those TVs that will only work if you have the remote? Cry.

Get out of the shower only to realize that you forgot to put a towel in the bathroom and you have to walk through the house, down the hall and in front of a picture window in order to get to the linen closet for a fresh one and no less than 5 people see you naked-including the mailman through the picture window? Cry.

Forget to take a DVD back to the library for a month and have a $30 fine for Barbie's Princess Tea? Cry.

Going out on the weekend and find that your lucky panties are in the laundry (oh, you know as well as I do that we all have that one pair of panties that are our favorites-don't deny it)? Cry.

Rearrange your schedule, bathe the kids, get them in bed and put your pj's on so you can watch your favorite television show in quiet and comfort only to find that every channel has the Presidential Address on it? Cry.

Honestly crying could be the answer for just about anything in life. It is good and I bet it saves a lot of women from winding up on the program "Snapped-Women Who Kill" on the Biography channel.

So go ahead and cry! Let it out. You'll feel better I promise... I know about these kind of things.

Vacation Started At 8:05 This Morning...

Today is the day that many a mom does a happy little jig in the kitchen to herself and then opens up the fridge and eats half of the contents in one sitting because she can.

Today is the day that many a mom will be able to sit on the toilet without having an audience of small people.

Today is the day that many a mom will be able to get back to the gym and take a shower by herself.

Today is the day that many a mom will go to the store-any store-alone and not have to leave without buying anything because a six year old is sprawled out on the floor of the cereal aisle kicking and screaming over Lucky Charms.

Today is the day that many a mom will bask in the fact that she does not have to yell things like "Don't hit your sister!" "Who left the milk out on the counter?" or even "Why is there a chainsaw in your bedroom?"

Yes ladies... today is your day. Run free! Take off your bra and walk through the house singing show tunes if you want-you are living on your time now. Your agenda. Your own freakin' schedule!

Just make sure you are back to normal by 11:40 a.m. because some yahoo on the school board thinks it is a good idea to "ease" kids into the first day of school and only give them a half day.

Pffft.

I am sure the school board is either made up entirely of men or women who only have high schoolers left in the house who can drive themselves and keep their own rooms clean. Communists.

It is a conspiracy I tell you... a C.O.N.S.P.I.R.A.C.Y.

But I can't worry about that right now-I have to decide if I want to clean all the toilets in my house and vacuum before 11:40 or if I want to organize my 11 year old son's bedroom.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I crack myself up-clean the toilets! Now that is funny right there!

Monday Swoon Three-Peat...

What do you get when you cross a good-looking actor and three summer box office hits? You get Eric Bana on the NEW and IMPROVED Monday Swoon-which is NOT under new management, and well, okay... it has not been improved much, but he was around so much this summer that I thought it only logical that he gets the HIGH HONORS of being the first Swoon in a long time. Congratulations Mr. Bana-I am sure you have no idea what this is about to do for your career-but rumor has it that if you are ever featured on the Monday Swoon your life is about to get very good, very fast. Look at Matthew McConaughey-he is a regular feature on the Swoon and his career is BOOMING with hits such as "The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past."



Hmmm... maybe that was a bad example.



Anyway, Eric Bana was in three, count em' THREE movies this summer. I know. WOW!



When he called the Six-Pack to let me know about his latest movie (What? You don't believe me that Eric Bana calls me? Pffft, whatever. I have my delusions, you have yours.) He told me I would really like it, not only because I had read the book but also because he is costarring with one of my favorite actresses of all times Rachel McAdams. I love her in any film she does... one word for you "The Notebook."



Okay, that was two words, but still...



Eric is from Australia. HELLO? Accent! And look at his jawline... they just don't make jawlines like that anymore. I am sure some of you will comment and say "Oh but June the DO make jawlines like that still... my husband has a jawline like that and I just love it!" Well, good for you-but does your husband have this jawline AND a Australian accent? I didn't think so, so back off!







You know what I like most about this book turned movie turned back into a book that is on the 30% off self at Target? The character's names. Clare and Henry.



Sigh.



Those are both great names, and Eric Bana looks just like a Henry doesn't he?

Moving on...

Many moons ago at the beginning of summer-or maybe it was spring, my son (who is not only a member of the angry-boy syndrome but he is the President!) dragged me to see the Sci-Fi geek movie Star Trek.

When the movie was over I told my son that I loved him more than I love m&m blizzards for making me go see this flick. Why you ask? Because Eric Bana plays the bad guy Nero. I didn't even know it was Eric because he had shaved off all of his thick brown wavy hair and had tattoos all over his face.

Some would think that was frightening and creepy.

Not me. Nope.

I think ink on the face may be the next NEW thing don't you? It says something doesn't it?

It says "I am a bad guy and I am never going to be a good guy so if you get mixed up with me just prepare yourself to have a bad guy on your hands at all times. A guy who doesn't *^$% around and ain't afraid to bleed."

Yeah, I'm thinking I like face tattoos... if only for fashion sake.

Phew. Hard to stop looking at those face tattoos isn't it?

Mr. Bana once again switches gears and is in a movie that I have yet to see but really want to because it has Eric Bana in it and he was on the Monday Swoon over at June Cleaver After a Six-Pack... Hey! Wait a minute!

Anyway, he is in Funny People with-funny people. This is a must-see girls because he is speaking in his native tongue in this one. Oh yeah. So when he says his lines you have to squint your eyes and tilt your good ear toward the big screen and then turn to your friend sitting next to you and say "What did he say" to which she will respond, "I don't know... was he saying something?" and you will say "Yes, something about being as dry as a dead dingos donger... whatever that means." and she will say "What? a dead dingo's what?" and then you will loudly say "DONGER." and then the people behind you will shush you and you will turn around and tell them it is a free country and before you know it you are kicked out of the movie theater like a 13 year old boy and you will never know just what Eric Bana was talking about!

Sigh. Damn accents.

But at least you will be able to look at his forearms.

mhm.

And... AND... he is in this movie with ANOTHER of my favorite actresses Leslie Mann. He sure knows how to pick his co-stars doesn't he? Or is it that my favorite actresses know how to keep the Six-Pack happy and pick really good leading men.

I vote for door #2.

Hmmm, what else can be said about Eric Bana....

I can't think of anything can you?

Yeah... I think we covered it all.

Eric Bana with hair

Eric Bana is a good Henry

Eric Bana bald

Eric Bana with face ink

Eric Bana accent

Eric Bana forearms

Eric Bana leading man

What I am missing?

Oh yes... now I remember.

Pssst...

Heard through the grapevine that june will have a Monday Swoon and she will also have those winners from loooon looooong ago!

Don't know about you-but I am ready for a little june cleaver to come out and play ya know?

Signed,
june's alter ego... Mapleton Henrietta.