June Cleaver After A Six-Pack

You Know My Methods, Watson...

2010-01-12T18:24:00.012-05:00

tap... tap... tap... is this thing on? Can someone please turn the lights on for me? Maybe take the dust sheets off the furniture? Open up a window or two to air this place out? It smells of stale alcohol and sweat socks!

Sigh...

I realize it isn't Monday so why am I even here if it is not Monday and I am not putting a swoon up-but you see my long lost friends, it is Tuesday and I was told on Monday by a couple of very sweet and annoying friends that they hate Mondays and they need a swoon to get them through and me being the kind and considerate person I am let them trudge through Monday only to put the Swoon up TODAY-Tuesday! (I would link to the other friend's blog, but she is a FB friend and I am afraid that her blog is TOP SECRET, as in "Her mother in law don't know about it and she wants to keep it that way!" So I will just say that I was going to link her to the "sweet" of the "sweet and annoying friends" - not saying that Maria is annoying... but she would appreciate the annoying part more than my top secret friend would so I gave it to her so she can tell people to "suck it" all day and feel justified. You are welcome UptownGirl-don't say I never did anything for ya, and as for you my Top Secret blog friend-you are welcome too.)

It is also Anne's birthday-so Happy Birthday Anne! This Swoon is for you-and a few others that read me (all 8 of you now that I have abandoned you and left you to read blogs like "SoccerMomsUnite" and "I BasketWeave Therefore I Am")

Anyway...

Someone somewhere requested this swoon a couple of weeks ago in another space time continuum . I had just seen Sherlock Holmes and liked it-she had seen it and liked it too. We both liked it for the same reason.

Robert Downey Jr.

My. My. My.

Oh, don't look at me like that Bobby... I know what you are thinking.

I first saw RDJ in the movie "Weird Science" ("he don't even have a license Lisa!)

I know he is short in real life... and I am a tall girl so I usually turn my nose up to the short fellas (sorry Kenny Chesney, but we had this discussion the other night on text and I am not going to back down on my tall convictions) but in my mind (and my mind is much like Disney Land) RDJ is tall... tall, dark, and handsome!

Tall, dark, handsome, and carries a gun.

And he is also sensitive... just look at him laying in bed thinking of ways to wish Anne a Happy Birthday!

Well... I am off again to do my top secret missile launching job that you didn't hear me tell you about. I will be back if I get another swoonworthy request and I am feeling a little six-pack hungry.

Miss you all and love you mucho grande taco bell.

OH... I ALMOST FORGOT! I tried to get this damn video on this here blog but apparently Elton John does not like me. Whatever-must be because of that night I met him at Madonna's flat in London (that she no longer has-which is fine because personally, I thought it was too small.) and I told him that I did not like his purple rimmed glasses. Such a prude. ANYWAY... RDJ is sooo very swoonworthy in this video. He gives great back and this is probably one of my favorite songs (but don't tell Elton that) and I may or may not have listened to it over a million times in the past year-or my lifetime, whichever.

I don't know if this will work-if not just click it and take a minute or two to gaze at the man who made Tuesday all that much better than Monday this week!

SingingFool.com - Elton John - I Want Love - Music Video

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Monday Crooner Swooners...

2009-12-07T12:03:00.011-05:00

The 80's gave me Rick Astley... and I'm never gonna give him up.

The 90's gave me Harry... hello blue eyes!

And the 2000's have given me Michael Buble... who is so cool he is hot

So hot he is cool...

Such a boy next door...

Who makes me think he may be a little bad as well...

I first stumbled upon Michael Buble when he was in a quirky little movie called "Totally Blonde" You should look for it, cuddle under some blanket on the couch with a fire on and some popcorn and hot chocolate and watch this goofy movie--if only because he sings in it... I remember thinking "Who is HE?" when I heard him make love to the music.

And then go out and buy all of your girlfriends this CD for Christmas...

They'll love you for it! Happy Monday!

Marco? Polo... MARCO? MARCO?

2009-11-23T12:14:00.004-05:00

Okay, so... I have not posted since like HALLOWEEN!

I am sorry.

I have been busy.

You see, I gots me a yob. Yep, a yob.

But it is a GREAT job! It is one of those jobs that people say "They actually PAY people to do that?"

Yes... whatever your little imagination is thinking... they pay people to do that.

Oh-will you stop thinking those naughty thoughts!

So the Six-Pack has suffered... but I am here to tell you that I have a solutions to my lack of posting.

Follow me on Twitter! Yeah! It is a lot like the Six-Pack but only quicker-faster-stronger-shorter. (That's what he said... heh.)

ALSO.... I am on facebook, BUT-my facebook is my own personal private facebook so you gotta shoot me an email and let me know your facebook and I will request you. (six-pack@live.com)

Don't worry about me rejecting you... I prolly wont unless you are an arch nemesis like her or if you are a serial killer.

Hope to hear from you soon! I miss the Six-Packers!

Call Me At The Gas Station Payphone...

2009-10-31T09:32:00.003-05:00

I have this new phone... and it makes me feel stupid.

What ever happened to payphones?

Just curious.

So I have this phone-it is the new HTC Hero Google hip hip hooray phone.

It is a touch screen so I have to do everything by touching little buttons on the screen-even a little keyboards.

So my texts look like this:

Hey! I thsle lkehes lkml llskerh lsisha ok?

I never knew I had fat fingers. Oh to have the long fingers of a pianist-I bet they would be able to send a text from my phone!

This phone has approximately 4 million different features-none of which I can figure out. I even have a hard time answering it when someone actually does something unheard of like call me to use their voice to communicate.

My 12 year old son figured all of the features out in 20 minutes which is proof that evolution is at play here and children have a special trait now that enables them to be able to understand technology better than their weak link parents.

Soon computers will be obsolete because babies will be born with a hard drive.

I am so screwed.

Psssst...

2009-10-30T10:23:00.006-05:00

Guess WHAT?

It is FRIDAY!

I have to go do some secret undercover "my name is not June" type of stuff today--and I even get paid for it...

Which is kinda cool considering that tomorrow is HALLOWEEN and I can be all mysterious...

Now I have to just decide if I want to go as a "blogger" a "tweeter" or a "facebooker"

They are all different you know.

A blogger would wear mom clothes-yoga pants, hair in a pony and have a kid hanging off of her hip.

A tweeter would wear casual clothes-jeans, T-shirt, Ugg boots and gloves with the finger cut out so they can tweet from their phone.

And a facebooker would wear business attire... because we all know facebookers are all at work screwing around on the Internet instead of doing their JOB!

Or I can just go with my original idea...

See... "mysterious!"

This Will Make You Smile... Or Cry, It All Depends Upon Your Hormones...

2009-10-29T14:16:00.005-05:00

Thanks to Aunt Barb for sending this to me today...

I am PMSing so it made me cry...

Seriously...

It is pretty amazingly awesome though-and it made me cry because I thought of all of the parents who were so proud of their girls-and it made me think of my kids and how proud I am of them...

And that is why I cried...

And ate a pound of chocolate chips that I was planning on using to make cookies with...

So now I have puffy eyes and am fat...

Thanks Aunt Barb....

As God Is My Witness... She Will Be Potty Trained Before College!

2009-10-27T08:31:00.003-05:00

I am coming to you from my kitchen table where I just ate my daughter's waffles after I vowed to not eat a stitch of food today because I have somehow packed on a few "winter" pounds in the past few weeks.

Thank God for sweatshirts...

Anyway, I am in the throws of potty training... the trenches of toilet procedures.... up to my elbows in little butts.... and I am pulling my hair out!

My little one refuses to use the potty chair. That is right, she outright REFUSES! She has YET to even put a little drop of tinkle in that chair-and the amazing thing is, that if she did tinkle in there she would discover that a little song will play and it will probably scare the shit out of her as well! Two birds-one stone.

I don't know why I am failing at this-I mean, I have successfully potty trained 3 other children, and several dogs. How hard can this be? Why am I forgetting how to do this? Is it true that breast feeding does suck your brains right out of your boobs and after 4 kids I am finally destined to ride on the short bus?

Sigh...

My first child was a dream to potty train-but aren't the first children a dream to get them to do anything... they are so perfect. That is where God gets you to have more children-he fools you with the perfect one first and then you decide to have a second which is NOTHING like the perfect first born... but somehow the second one tugs at your heart strings and you think about having another-God's way of fooling you AGAIN! The third is the drama filled one that makes you vow to never have "relations" for fear that more tantrums will ensue (your own, not the children's') until one fateful night with Tequila and cold medicine that messes up your ovulation schedule and you say something like "I'm fine... sreallys, I vovulated lassssst weeek." and before you know it you are potty training child number FOUR and have forgotten all of your tricks and rules and you have become a push over from all of the children working on your mental stability day in and day out for all eternity!

Big Sigh...

It is like she is outsmarting me. Her bladder must be the size of a whales because she can hold it for an entire morning-sitting in wait for me to have to put that diaper on her because we are out of milk and she knows that I will have to take her to the store. We have been out of milk now for 5 days because I have refused to leave the house with her for fear that she will pee in her diaper! We are also out of toilet paper-but paper towel works in a pinch and I'll be DAMNED if I won't stand my ground!

She usually has an "accident" and I am using the word "accident" reluctantly because she always does it on the hardwood kitchen floor. I figure she does it this way because she has seen the dog sit out in the cold for HOURS after she has peed on the carpet.

So I am coming to you all... my trusted friends who have done it all, seen it all, and achieved it all! Do you have any secrets for me to use to get her to tinkle on the toilet?

PLEASE!!!!! I will try anything right now-I am willing to even try electric shock therapy (on myself of course!)

Don't fail me now Six-Packers.... I am sending up the bat signal, which is in the shape of a toilet-not a bat, and counting on you!

Kthanksbye!

Late For Dinner, But Early For Breakfast... We have a WINNER!

2009-10-26T08:29:00.011-05:00

Okay... I realize that I said I would put up the winner on Monday, and yes I realize that I meant (and I know that you know that I know) that it was supposed to be LAST Monday... but TODAY is the first day of the rest of your lives people, and it is also a Monday, and the winner is about to be announced... in a very clean way-a way so clean that you will be happy that I waited so long and spent so much time researching "clean" things to put on here.

Trust me...

Okay so I put all 43 comments into my handy dandy "Random Integer Generator" and after only 86 clicks of the "again" button I came up with a WINNER!

Oh relax, I did not click the again button 86 times, I only clicked it once and came up with a winner... (this statement is so that none of you sue me for a box of tanning wipes because you cry FOUL to the big man, otherwise knows as "The Government") pfffft.

Soooo...

The winner is: Comment #3

Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers:3
Timestamp: 2009-10-26 13:37:20 UTC

That means You Jenny! Congratulations! Jenny likes to drink "Smart Water" which makes her glow with happiness and joy and tells her the winning numbers to the lottery every week! This is some amazing water folks!

Anyway... Jenny if you could email me at six-pack@live.com with your address I will send your Loreal tanning wipes out to you post hast-in time for you to try them out before your wedding and if they don't work, in time for you to exfoliate the hell out of yourself to get the tan off before your wedding!

Now, while I was reading all of your comments I realized that other than Buzzy's words of beauty wisdom and Cousin Steve's confused look at bacon grease and condoms, we did not get many winter beauty secrets from our male readers.

This means that men sit around all winter itching their dry skin and never realizing that they can use something other then soap and water to make themselves radiate a healthy glow that comes from spending hundreds of dollars on beauty products! Pfft, they are such simple creatures.

Do you know of any men who have a beauty regime? I mean... men who wear baseball caps, work boots, drive diesel engines and don't shave on the weekends? Do you know any of THOSE type of men who have beauty secrets?

Yeah, me neither....

I do know men who wear loafers, argyle sweaters, drive smart cars and shave every day of their life so they don't break out on Monday mornings who have beauty regimes...

But they usually don't pay attention to women... they pay attention to other men who have beauty regimes.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

But I prefer a man who cleans out the dirt from under his nails with his pocket knife.

So other than your man occasionally using the beauty products that are in your shower... that are YOURS and that you spend a lot of money on-and chances are you have no idea that they have been using your exfoliating gloves until you put them on one morning and find black curly hairs on them (ARGHHHHHHHHHH!) I think it is safe to say that men don't pay much attention to having soft skin.

Unless it is your soft skin, then they pay attention (which is why we spend hundreds of dollars on our beauty secrets... oh the evil web men weave!)

And they don't have to wear make up.

And they don't use conditioner... heck, they don't even use shampoo, Dial soap works just fine for them (and the only reason why they use Dial is because they giggle in the shower when they spell it backwards.)

And they don't have to get pedicures or manicures.

And they don't have to wax their body parts.

And they get their hair cut for $6.

JEEZ!

But I am thankful for my beauty secrets... because without them I would apparently look like a MAN, and I dressed up like a man once for a "role playing mystery dinner" party, and I am not an attractive man, so I am glad I am a woman who has to use twenty different lotions and change my conditioner every other month and shave my legs, pits, and other areas, and sleep in fuzzy socks because I have thick goo spread between my toes so that I am soft and delicate and the only thing rough about me is my attitude when you mess with one of my peeps! That is right! Damn Straight! *giggle*

I am also going to try many of your beauty secrets, like hibernating under my down comforter, going to a spa, Aquaphor, and mojitos in Florida.

Thanks Six-packers! You are the BOMB!

OH-and one more secret for you... although it is not a beauty secret but it may very well make you smile big with your newly whitened teeth because you smeared them with strawberries last night... if you google "men showering" you may get an eyeful! Nothing that I would ever put on this blog and nothing that I will ever look at again as I have erased my history so I am not tempted (yep) but I will leave it up to you as to whether or not you want to say "Oh my-isn't that nice" this Monday Swoon Morning.

So go forth and moisturize my friends~

Now get back to work!

Winter Beauty Secret GIVEAWAY!!!!!

2009-10-16T08:50:00.004-04:00

It is that time of year when you look down at your hands and they are raw and dry and your legs look like you were a mermaid in another life with all of the lovely flaky scales and your hair... your hair is dry, limp and breaking.

Let's hear it for WINTER!!!!! Hip Hip GO AWAY!!!!!!

Well ladies and gents, it is June Cleaver to the rescue! I am going to give you some of my winter beauty secrets-secrets so secret that you will need a security clearance to read the rest of this post.... so if you would simply raise your right hand and repeat after me:

"I know who I am, I can vouch for who I am and I am willing to go to jail if someone says I am not who I say I am... so help me Betty Crocker."

Okay, now that we have that out of the way...

Let's talk hands shall we? Are yours as freakin' dry and chapped as mine? Ugh! It is horrible... and embarrassing! I don't have lovely nails that I have to go to the salon to get filled every two weeks of my life because I couldn't stand that kind of commitment and felt like I was Martha Stewart with a ankle bracelet so that my parole officer knew where I was and had to check in with him every night at 9pm... but I do have nice nails of my own and I like my hands to look soft and feminine (something I am sure all of the male readers strive for as well). In the winter, I soothe my hands with lotion orgasm that I keep in my purse. It is called "Naked Body Butter" by Bliss and you can get it where Sephora is sold (read: JC Penney). It is a little pricey-but really... how much is too much when we are talking beauty? Besides, a little goes a long way with this stuff and so it is worth every bit of the $35 price tag. Honest!

How is your skin? No, I mean REALLY... how is your skin? Flaky? Itchy? GROSS? Mine too! I hate it!!! I am a lotion whore-I can't help it. Every time I am in the bathroom I am slathering myself with lotion and in the summer time this works GREAT because I usually have shorts on so my legs get that extra dose of moisture just as often as my arms, elbows, earlobes, and bellybutton does... but in the winter my legs are covered up by pants so they are only getting moisture (and seeing sunlight!) in the morning hours and in the evening hours, so their moisture allowance not only goes way down in the winter... but the winter dry crappy air tortures my skin as well. Dammit! How do I combat this obvious attack by foreign countries on my American skin? I exfoliate!!!! Go buy those little $2 bath gloves-the ones that feel rough and scratchy-and put them in your shower. Lather them up with soap every time you bathe and scrub the junk right off of you! Use them on your face, your legs, your arms, belly and back. I even use them on my feet (but I have a different pair for my feet because feet give me the heebie-jeebies and I don't want my feet gloves touching my face-obvi!). When I get out of the shower I coat myself with Eucerin lotion. You can get this at Target... or any grocery store. It is a little bit more than your typical Vaseline lotion-but I have never had a lotion that I louvre more than Eucerin (so take THAT Hollywood with your expensive-must have-lotions that only movie stars can afford!). It works, AND... I can even put it on my face without breaking out. SCORE!

Moving on...

Hair. Ugh. Blech. WHY!!!!! Sigh...

I use Nexus Shampoo and Conditioner-I wash my hair twice a day-I am horrible and mean to my hair and I have no excuse, I can't help it. But... there is one thing that I cannot live without and I think, with all of the torture that I submit my hair to, it is happy that I give it this one thing to help it along in my daily abuse of it. Paul Mitchell's Super Skinny Serum. Yes, I will admit that I originally bought it because it said "super skinny" and I thought that maybe I was going to get skinny... nay, SUPER SKINNY if I used it. I did not know if Paul Mitchell discovered some amazing diet treatment that would make you skinny if you had fabulous hair-but I was willing to try. So, in my pursuit of being skinny I discovered that my hair LOVES this stuff-and it helps keep away the limp, sad looking hair that winter (and personal abuse) can do to your lovely locks. By the by... you can snag this stuff up at your salon-they prolly sell Paul Mitchell because he is like, the hair products god or something.

This last thing is something NEW that I have yet to try but my girlfriend swears by it! You know how in the winter you lose your summer tan-that perfect color that your skin gets from the kiss of the sun? Well... the other day I saw my friend and she looked like she had just gotten off the plane from a well-deserved relaxing vaca in the fantasy world of "sunny" and "warm!"

I was all "Are you tanning?"

She was all "No"

I was all "What's up with the sun-kiss look then biatch!"

She was all "I have my ways."

I was all "You gonna share your ways or do I have to beat it out of you and steal your Coach purse?"

She was all "NOT MY COACH PURSE!"

I was all "Oh yes... the Coach purse."

She was all "Fine-I will hand over my lovely beauty secret, but you have to buy me dinner."

I was all "Fine, my wallet is in your Coach purse."

So she told me she has been using tanning towelettes from Loreal. I KNOW! Who knew tans could come in a towel?

This also gave me an idea for a giveaway! All you have to do is leave a comment telling me your favorite-must have-can't live without-winter beauty secret. I don't care if it is a secret passed down from your great-great-grandpa who was a cross dresser and could sing Judy Garland like nobodys business, or if it is one that you just discovered yesterday! Just let me know-let the world know! We need all the help we can get during the winter months to keep looking fabulous.

On Monday I will reveal the winner that I will get from my handy-dandy-random-picker-outer-thingy.

What is the prize? Those towelettes from Loreal of course! So leave a comment and maybe you can be getting your tan on next week!

kthanxbye!

Emma-isms...

2009-10-12T20:14:00.002-04:00

My six year old cracks me up. She has the funniest sense of humor-it is dry yet silly-the perfect combination if you ask me.

It is this humor that has put her on a "behavioral chart" at school. Every day she comes home with a smiley face or a dot to let me know how her behavior was for that day.

This was her teacher's idea, and although I know her teacher is very proud of herself for thinking it up... I think it is rather tiresome.

I mean.... SHE IS SIX! Six year olds are supposed to be silly and loud and run around and hug each other and tell stories that last for 36 minutes without stopping to take a breath!

It is all part of discovering who they are... and my six year old is FABULOUS!

One day she came home with a dreaded DOT... and her explanation was "Mom, a kid challenged me and said that I wouldn't be able to stand on top of the toilet seat... so I did it, because she said I couldn't, and I did... seriously mom, that is why. I'm not kidding."

She also likes to use the word "BAM!" as in.... "I was telling Aaron a story about a little unicorn who skipped through the forest and then BAM!-the unicorn turned into a piece of poop." or "Hope said I couldn't get the dishes out of the top cabinet but I was all BAM! and showed her that I could do it. Sorry for the broken dishes mom."

Try "BAMMING!" someone today-it'll make you feel better. I promise.

Hope always likes to ask me to spell things for her (because she is spelling inept-no matter how hard she tries she forgets that "I comes before E" and blah blah blah...

Yesterday Hope asked me "How do you spell relief?" and Emma, who had been asking for a snack for the past 45 minutes (because dinner was an hour earlier) said "How do you spell 'can Emma have a snack?"

And I just laughed my ass off at that kid.

Because she makes me smile-and smiling is one of my favorite things to do!

It's Okay... Tomorrow Monday Will Be Over!

2009-10-12T10:49:00.006-04:00

It is a Monday after an action-packed weekend and I am pooped.

But I didn't want to leave you hanging for the Monday Swoon because I know how Mondays can be... especially after a action-packed weekend when you are pooped and don't want to go on.

When the alarm goes off at O'Dark-Thirty and you just want to smash it to little bits because it is MONDAY!

Ugh.

So-to get you through this day, even though I am pooped, I give you a man that could be your coffee in the morning:

Your reason for wearing perfume to the grocery store:

And I am willing to bet my life that he probably smells like a lazy Sunday afternoon nap.

If all of THAT didn't help boost your Monday and you want to just smile and giggle from the inside out-go here.

You are welcome!

Now get back to work!

Experts Say That Women Speak Up To 20,000 Words A Day... And Their Point Is?

2009-10-09T11:39:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time... the other day I was all alone-all day long. No kids, no friends, no family... just alone.

Then I saw my girlfriend and she had been alone all day as well...

And we kept talking over each other-telling each other about our day, our thoughts, our analysis of the most recent fashion trend of thigh-high boots, why we are amazed at the phenomenon that causes men to lose their leg hair where their socks are yet we still have to shave every other day for eternity, what the text message said that our second cousin twice removed sent us, why Oprah thinks she is hot-shit, who we think is hot-shit, then make general observations of women wearing cable-knit sweaters, recall our memories of wearing cable-knit sweaters in high school, laugh when we discover we both are wearing cable-knit sweaters again, and basically discuss why we do the voodoo that we do...

And we were happy again.

The End.

I Can't Take It Anymore!!!

2009-10-08T11:58:00.004-04:00

I hate the Old Navy commercials.

I hate the "Supermodelquins"

I think they need to be disassembled and set on fire!

La La La... WHAT? La La La...

2009-10-07T09:24:00.002-04:00

You know those moments right after you have a baby and you finally get the little one calmed down and napping happily before you, and you are able to sit... stare off into space... maybe daydream about fitting into your fat jeans again?

Those moments where your mind just lets your body detach itself and when you "come to" you wonder how long you had been sitting there with your eyes transfixed on the curtains and your mouth slightly open?

That little time of relaxation that God grants newly exhausted mothers so that they can reboot a little-take a deep breath and go on with their day regardless of the spit up stains on their t-shirt and the fact that they are wearing their husbands sweatpants because their yoga pants split at the crotch just that morning?

That fraction of a second when you can wonder what your life would have been like if Timmy Murphy had asked you to prom instead of Newman Pawlowski and where you would be if you had the guts to go to Julliard because you always thought you were a fabulous dancer?

And then it happens...

The baby moves, sneezes, coughs, giggles, cries or even sits up and says "Hey! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" and you jump about 10 feet out of your overly saggy skin and are shot back to reality!

Your heart beats out of your chest and you actually choke on your own saliva because your mouth was dry from being propped open during your 2 minute sabbatical!

You may even say something like "Holy Shit!" or "Holy Crap!" because at moments like these, when you are happy and content and then the littlest thing happens to scare the pee right out of your bladder, you have to pray and curse all at the same time!

And because once we have a baby, we are always a mom... until the day we die. We will always have our children in our thoughts-(even if our thoughts are of Matthew McConaughey)-the moment our children move, breathe, make a peep or just sigh a happy sigh we are awake-aware-on duty and ready to lend a helping hand...

Even if that helping hand is just simply taking a look and accessing that all if fine and we can go back to our yummy bamboo and staring off into space.

My Life...

2009-10-06T12:02:00.005-04:00

You have no idea how much this picture makes me smile...

And you have no idea how much it screams "THIS IS JUNE'S LIFE!"

Friends, family, kids... I am sure all of you can relate.

Hope is makes you giggle!

Grandpa Mac... The Original Swoon

2009-10-05T10:54:00.004-04:00

The other day my Aunt Barb sent out a couple of pictures of my Grandpa Mac. As soon as I opened them up I had to smile.

The first photo is my favorite because I love that my Grandpa was smart, that he wore a overcoat and hat and that he was a positive example of a good man. He was a man of conviction and worth, of faith and strength. He IS the original Swoon for me.

He was the kind of Grandpa that made you feel like he loved you more than the rest-and he made each of his grand kids feel that way.

He was cool because he had a wooden leg. Yeah-I know! Isn't that COOL! How many kids can go to school and tell their friends that their grandpa has a wooden leg?

His car was all fixed up so that he could still drive even though he had a wooden leg-how many kids could drive in their Grandpa's car and see the AMAZING, out of this world, special pimped out knobs because he was THAT COOL?

He always had a pocket full of caramels for us kids.

One late summer night I was running around the neighborhood with my shirt off (I was a tomboy and my best friend was a boy so I went through a phase where I wanted to be a boy and therefore ran around with my shirt off like my best friend did... I think I was 4.) Anyway, this summer night had a bit of a chill in the air and I ran past my Grandpa who was sitting on a lawn chair and he grabbed me and wrapped his strong warm arms around me and said "Aren't you cold without a shirt?" I remember how warm and cozy his arms were-the perfect hug.

His house had the best Grandpa smell you could ever imagine. I loved it-

He always had Town House crackers for snacks.

He had stacks of National Geographic Magazines in his living room.

I still have Spaghetti on Wednesday nights because when I was a kid my Grandpa rotated having dinner at each of his 4 children's homes-we had Wednesday night and my mom made him spaghetti. It is a habit that I will never tire of because of him.

I miss him.

I loved him so~

What Was I Going To Say?

2009-10-03T09:18:00.003-04:00

I woke up with a great idea for today's post, but by the time I grabbed my laptop I completely forgot what I was thinking about. Foiled again by the morning hangover.

*************************

My bedroom has an "open plan" which is fancy talk for "the bathroom does not have a door" so anyone and their brother can walk in on you when you are stepping out of the shower. And can I just say that no bathroom door makes for a FREEZING cold towel off after a hot shower because there is nothing to hold all that warm delicious air in? Who ever thought of this "open plan" concept for bathrooms is an idiot. Seriously.

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I am coming to you from the confines of my warm bed because it is cold out there people-I stuck my foot out from under my heavy down comforter just a millisecond ago and now I have frostbite. I am not joking. I love this time of year but I hate being cold, I don't understand why God wanted us to have cold weather. Is is to toughen us up? If that is so it is not working because cold weather just makes me a wimp and afraid to get out of bed in the morning. Wait a minute... does that mean I would not survive the "survival of the fittest" theory where the weak are killed off so that the strong hairy people can survive? Oh my Lord-

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Why does it take the warm water so long to travel from the water heater in the basement to my shower up here? It is irritating. I turn on the shower, make my bed, toss my pj's in the hamper, grab my razor, rearrange the soaps, shampoos, conditioners and lotions on the ledge so they look pretty and weigh myself and the water is STILL cold. In the meantime I am standing around naked waiting for the water to warm up and having all of my children walk in on me because I don't have a door to my bathroom.

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One thing I do LOVE about the chilly weather is sweatshirts. Yes. Sweatshirts offer me the ability to wear my size 4 jeans that give me massive muffin top and belly hang but no one knows because I have a sweatshirt on covering up all of my unfortunate body flaws. This may be the reason why I gain 10 lbs every winter because if I have a sweatshirt on I will eat all of my dinner and have dessert because the evidence will be hidden. I have 6 months until April when I start to panic about my muffin top and belly hang... I have to live it up while I can!

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Sigh... well, I have procrastinated long enough. It is time for me to venture out into the cold and start my day. The 6 year old started her day at the crack of dawn because it is Saturday and she does not have to go to school and mom likes to sleep in a little on Saturdays so she has to do everything in her little loving power to make sure THAT does not happen. I'm so happy I am the mom of little people.

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Seriously.

Mornings... Grumble Grumble...

2009-10-02T09:25:00.004-04:00

I hate mornings. I really do.

Wait, let me change that... I hate waking up in the morning.

Yeah-that is it.

I don't mind mornings, actually I kind of like them-going around and making beds and picking up odds and ends while the sun is shining through the newly opened blinds.

It gives me a sense of hope-of newness-of me being a maid to my children who are little lazy butts who can't pick up a single pair of underpants from the bathroom floor if I told them I would take them to Disney World!!!

A friend told me that the reason I don't like waking up in the morning is because I go to bed so late at night.

This is true. I am a night owl, but only because that is the only time of the day when I do not have someone looking to me to make their life easier. It is the only time that I can actually watch something that I want to watch on the television that does not have puppets, cartoon characters or grown men singing children songs and acting like lunatics.

I love my late nights.

But last night I went to bed early. I was exhausted and it was just the perfect combination of chilly in my house and warm under my covers that made me drift off to slumber about 3 hours earlier than I usually do.

And I woke up feeling FAB U LOUS! I was amazed! What is the crazy thing called "sleep" that I have been missing?

So I went about my chore of waking the savage beasts that live with me. The 14 year old gets up earlier than the rest of us because she is in high school now and has to do her hair so she is only embarrassed by the fact that her mother picks her up from school in a ponytail, yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt every day of her mother-loving-please-help-me-survive-her-social-status life, and the baby is usually up at the crack of dawn singing songs like "A, B, G, F, E" and "mommymommymommymommymommy" which comes in such a sing-song rhythm that you can't help but be lulled back to sleep to it. Pfft.

But the middle two... they are bears in the morning, and we aren't talking fun-loving circus bears that ride unicycles and wear cute little Shriner hats... no, we are talking "rip all your limbs off and dance on your rotting carcass" bears.

I usually get really irritated by this morning ritual of corralling the feral children every morning, but today-with my newly refreshed full night of sleep mind, I was able to fend off yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs until the neighbors called CPS on me... AGAIN!

My pleasant mood helped the 6 year old be happy and cheery before she walked out the door. She didn't even argue with me about clothes this morning! I need to call Guinness Book of World Records.

But the boy in the house, he did not play into my evil plan of actually being NICE to my kids in the morning and he was still his usual "angry-boy" self.

I am proud of him for sticking to his convictions.

At least he is consistent.

When he makes up his mind-he does not change it.

He has a strong personality.

He is just training for the day he is a prison warden.

Sigh...

Walker... College Girl Ranger.

2009-09-29T12:28:00.012-04:00

Yes, I am aware it is Tuesday. Yes, I am aware that the Swoon did not go up on Monday. Yes, I am aware that I am a slacker...

I have sick kids at home and have survived Homecoming weekend with a Freshman... cut me some slack.

On Sunday night I went to my favorite place to eat dinner in the world... Dairy Queen. I love M&M Blizzards, I really do. They are God's gift to humanity and I thank Him every morning for them.

"Hey God? This is June... how are ya? I know that Iran is keeping you busy and Health Care has probably got you pulling your Spiritual hair out... but I would like to thank you for Dairy Queen M&M Blizzards because I think they are great and they make me smile, and I know when I smile, You smile with me... so I hope you could forget about the fact that nine out of ten teens are not getting their daily allowance of fruits and vegetables for just a brief Heavenly nanosecond and know that MILLIONS are probably thankful to You for ice cream. Amen."

I am nothing if not Faithful... no matter what you may think you know about me.

Anyway... I went to DQ with one of my favorite people in the world! I have known Christiana since she was in my Small Group as a Freshman in high school and now she is a Sophomore in college-and my daughter, who was just a little squirt when Christiana came into our lives is now a Freshman in high school and Christiana thinks she is old.

Yeah... sure.

I asked Christiana who I should put on the swoon. She sat and thought for a moment and then jumped out of her seat and shouted

"PAUL WALKER!!!"

"Who is Paul Walker?"

"He is the totally hot guy in the movie Fast and Furious."

"Oh, that explains it."

"Have you ever seen the movies Fast and Furious?"

"Uhm... no"

"Well, you HAVE TO!"

So because Christiana is feeling old because my child is growing up, I thought I would make her smile and not only put Mr. Walker on the Swoon... but I would link you to her blog-which is totally fun because she is giving us the play by play of college life--and not by a kid that drinks every night and skips class (that would have been my college blog) but this blog is by a good kid who remembers who she is!

Upoon hearing how mucho grande taco bell Christiana likes this Paul Walker character, I decided to call him up. I told him all about Christiana and he asked if his agent could set up a date with her. I said "No way Buddy!" So then he asked if he could call her himself and I handed him her number and said "Do with it what you wish..." and walked away. (I am cool like that). But then I ran around the corner and did a little surveillance with my camera and got this shot:

This is Paul on the phone with Christiana asking her out on a date... and then getting a little perturbed when he had to repeat who he was four times before she remembered him.

This is Paul waiting for Christiana on their date. Look at how he is gazing into the future... THEIR future... I can just tell he is imagining a little house on a hill with a couple of dogs running around. Notice how he didn't wear shoes-he was totally anticipating her knocking his socks off so he decided to save himself the step.

And this is where he was at a movie premier and was saying "Sorry ladies... I love Christiana, but I hear Vin Diesel is single."

Good call Paul... and good luck with Christiana!

I Am A Freshman With A New Dress To Wear... Hear Me ROAR!

2009-09-26T10:44:00.004-04:00

Do you remember homecoming when you were a kid? I do-I think I only went one year... maybe two. Okay, so maybe I DONT remember homecoming.

Which is why I don't see the big deal about homecoming now for my daughter, but because I know how important it is for a freshman to go to homecoming (we were not allowed to go to homecoming as freshmen) we have gone all out:

Dress-check!

shoes-check!

hair appointment with cut out magazine clipping of much desired hair style-check!

nail appointment-check!

"Can I have smokey eyes for homecoming mom?"-no check here, I am doing her make up and there will be no smokey eyes! Sweet, soft 14 year old eyes-check!

eyebrows waxed-check!

ticket-see, this is where we have run into a snag.

14 year old was going to homecoming with a small group of friends, two of which were from her parochial elementary school so I felt confident that they would be saying a rosary before dancing and grinding. A few boys had asked her to go with them and she had said "no" because, A) she did not like them "that way" and B) sometimes it is fun to say no to boys-it boosts the self esteem. Don't argue with that logic-you know it is true.

Well, last night at the homecoming football game my 14 year old decided that she did not like the way her "date" was treating her and told him to shove off...

So last night at 11pm I heard the story and found out that not only has the group changed a bit, but they have added two more kids to the festivities. Some of the players have changed, but the objective is still the same--wear a pretty dress and put make up on!!!!!

Lord help me...

A Tweet Here... A Tweet There...

2009-09-24T15:00:00.005-04:00

So I have never done MySpace because I have no space that is my own-I can't even shower without a two year old opening the shower door to say hello every 30 seconds so what am I supposed to do with a MySpace account?

I wouldn't know what to do with all the... "Space"

And I did have a facebook account, but I deactivated it and then activated it and then deactivated it and then activated it and then deactivated it again... because that is how I roll. Leave me alone... pay attention to me... leave me alone... pay attention to me... leave me alone. I usually activate it when I get a phone call from a friend who says "Have you seen so-and-so from high school? They look FABULOUS!" and I have to activate my account in order to admire the wonders of plastic surgery.

I opened a twitter account eons ago-but never posted anything. I think I signed up for it so that I could read Ashton Kutchers Tweets about Demi Moore... I can't remember, but I didn't tweet on it because I didn't want anyone stealing my brilliant thoughts-because there are thought stealers out there... and then one day I would be at the movies and enjoying my popcorn and milk duds and the movie would become very familiar to me, almost like deja vous... and then it would dawn on me that the movie was like a window into my brain and all of my thoughts would be played out on the big screen (with Cameron Diaz playing me of course) and I would not receive one royalty check in the mail and still be buying my designer labels at Plato's Closet (which is the greatest store in the world and if you do not have a Plato's Closet in your city... well you are missing out-but if you DO have one, drop what you are doing right now and go shopping!)

ANYWAY...

I decided that my thoughts aren't that earth shattering and I don't think anyone will steal them from my twitter... so I am twittering again, because sometimes I can't make a big ol' blog out of just thin air---although this one seems to be like a fart in the wind doesn't it?

So if you want to follow me and see what I am thinking at random times throughout the day-check it out... HERE

See ya there!

Six Degrees of a Monday Swoon... Sort of.

2009-09-21T10:37:00.013-04:00

I went to get my hair cut the other day. It needed it bad-when I see that I am wearing it in a pony seven days a week I know it is time to get my rear in gear and call my stylist.

I love my stylist-I do. She is trendy and hip and absolutely gorgeous, and she is a fairy godmother as well because she can make me go from frumpy to gaw-geous in no time with just a pair of scissors.

*that really is my stylist-she is that beautiful!*

Have I mentioned that she cuts my hair with the same scissors that have cut Chad Kroeger's hair?

I will pause so you can ooohhh and ahhhh.

When Nickelback was in town this past year she was called to do their hair and make up for the video they were filming and she ended up chillin' with the fellas.

When she told me the story I made her write a contract in blood with me stating that when they come back to town and she is called upon again, that she takes me along as her "assistant"

Speaking of Nickelback, did you know they are from Canada?

Many of my favorite rockers have come from Canada~

Brian Adams

Corey Hart

Jeff Healey also came from Canada-and he was in the movie Road House.

With Patrick Swayze.

Patrick Swayze was not from Canada, he was from Houston Texas

and we all know who is from Texas...

But, the main reason for this Six Degrees of Monday Swoon is none of the Swoonables above-it goes back to my hair stylist and the fact that when I was sitting in her "chair of magic" she had some rockin' tunes playing in the background.

It was Theory of a Deadman-who I louvre... and they are from Canada.

And Chad Kroeger gave them a record deal when Tyler Connolly gave him a demo tape at a concert.

And Tyler Connolly is obviously Irish.

So it all makes sense to me.

Please Forgive Me...

2009-09-16T00:21:00.003-04:00

I had to do it...

Enjoy you crazy Robward Pattinson Cullen weirdos out there...

You know who you are.

My question remains the same... if the movie is already done, why do we have to wait until November?

Seriously.

Jackass...

2009-09-15T20:02:00.003-04:00

MTV Shows

Now listen, I will be the first to admit that I am not a Taylor Swift music fan. I am not a fan simply because her music is better suited for my daughter's age group of 14 year old giddy girls who get nervous around boys and want to fall in love with someone just because they wear Hurley t-shirts and have a cool cell phone...

I am more of the head-banging, angry rant music type of fan.

I can't help it.

But I will say this about that sweet blonde girl standing on that stage in front of millions of people-she has class.

She didn't do any of the things that I would have done if that happened to me-because when I see something unfair happening to someone, I have no problem speaking up-taking a stand and threatening to kick some jackass where the sun don't shine.

So congratulations to Taylor Swift-not for winning an award, but for earning something much more important in life-respect.

Atta girl.

God Love The Irish On A Monday...

2009-09-13T21:50:00.013-04:00

You know, I never know how the Monday Swoon is going to go. Some days I have no idea who to put on here and so it can be a hit or a miss (remember the cowboy swoon? ugh!) but other days I can just be walking down the street and bump into some amazing actor and introduce myself and say "Would you like to be on the Six-Pack?" and this famous actor will usually get all giddy and say "The Six-Pack? Are you SERIOUS? I would give my right ARM to be on the Six-Pack!" and then I feel obligated to put them on here (Matthew McConaughey, you know I am talking to you.) and then there are the days that I am just sitting around enjoying a movie on TBS or ABCFamily that came out years ago-or even when I was in high school (which was not "years ago" but you know what I mean...) and I will see someone and say "He is the ONE!" and presto chango... we have lift off!

That is what happened for me yet again this week. I was watching the movie "The Wedding Date" with Dermott Mulroney and Debra Messing.

Well, if you have to know the truth I was switching channels between "The Wedding Date" and "Chicken Little" on Disney.

I just love that Chicken Little.

So I decided to put Dermott Mulroney on the Swoon... only I thought his name was Dylan McDermott and started my search for him and came up with this....

And realized that although this is a very nice looking Irish boy-it ain't the boy in the movie that I was watching so I had to refine my search and found what I was looking for...

Oh Dylan, don't be so excited that you made the Monday Swoon. I know it will look fabulous on your resume, but you really need to contain your excitement. You cannot rely on my to get you the big jobs. I am sorry.

Anyway, I had to figure out the correct Irish name that went with the dark haired Irish actor in the movie I was watching. I almost called my mother because she knows just about every dark haired Irish actor out there... but her favorite was the light haired Andrew McCarthey-I could never understand that one... I never liked his weird eyes.

Okay, so I finally figured out who was in the stinking movie and who was going to be the Monday Swoon...

Oh. My. Goodness. I love the Irish. Here we have "Angry Irish." This is what 99.9% of my family looks like.

Here we have "boy next door Irish" which is a very good kind of Irish to be... unless your name is Timmy Murphy and you are 13 years old and the year is 1985 and my parents think you are up to no good even though you were an altar boy. I think it was the fact that he had a trampoline in his back yard and a spiked haircut... God Forbid!!!

And here we have "Scar Irish" which is another really good kind of Irish to be. Sure, he prolly got that scar in a silly wimpy kind of mishap... but since it is an Irish scar, I am willing to bet it had something to do with beer and a pub and fists and blood. Uh-huh.

Oh Mother of The Green Isle... here we have "Uterus ache Irish."

No description necessary.

Hair Today... 5lbs. Lighter Tomorrow

2009-09-12T09:35:00.006-04:00

So the big news on the Internet lately has been that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with baby #19.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Big deal.

Honestly, I do not believe that the world has overlooked the more important issue at hand here...

Have you seen?

Can you figure out what I am talking about?

Breaking NEWS!!!!

Michelle Duggar has FINALLY changed her hairstyle!

You know as well as I do that when you have a hairstyle for sooo long, it is a very emotional thing to change it so I am thinking that Michelle Duggar did not go into the decision to change her style lightly.

I wonder if she locked herself in the bathroom and cried for an hour when she got home from HairClips. At least she didn't do what I did years ago and go from hair down my back to a short buzz clip that has haunted my dreams ever since. *Shudder*-damn that Demi Moore and the movie Ghost.

We have all been there Michelle-it is okay, you look fabulous and I bet if you step on a scale you will see that you have lost at least 5lbs from your thinning of the 1980's cult member feather-back mullet style... and just imagine the money you will save on hairspray!

Congratulations Michelle and Jim Bob on #19.

But more importantly... congratulations Michelle on your new fab style.

You go girl-you wild and crazy thing!

Is It Stalking If You Tell Them You Are Following Them?

2009-09-09T10:48:00.004-04:00

So I am stealing this from someone's blog... I assume it is okay because I am going to tell you who I stole it from-so that should keep me out of court right?

Sure.

Anywho...

Every once in a while I take a walk around the blogsphere and meet new neighbors. I never talk to them mind you... that would be weird, but I do stalk them, because that is normal.

And I am all about being normal.

In my saunter through the vast yet tiny Internet I came across this site.

I fell in love instantly with Katie and wanted desperately to be her friend, or at least her older sister.

She recently took a road trip with her friend-and I couldn't help but smile when I watched this~

Road Trip from katie sokoler on Vimeo.

Don't you just want to go with them? Doesn't it just look like a load of fun!!!

Go read her blog and TRY not to smile. I dare ya... I bet you won't be able to do it.

She is a smile maker and I am all about passing on the fun!

Introducing a New Superhero... VartanMan!

2009-09-07T16:56:00.009-04:00

This weekend I watched the movie "Never Been Kissed" with Drew Berrymore (who I lourve more than I louvre most) and Michael Vartan.

I love this movie-it is sweet and quirky and it makes me feel all ewwy gooey inside.

Sigh.

I love the ending-the way he almost doesn't make it to the ball field and the look of sadness on her face and then the look of joy when she sees him running down the stadium stairs, across the field and then he just walks right up to her and without a word takes her into his arms and kisses her.

Swoon.

Sigh.

Wow.

That is a good ending kiss.

I never paid attention to this Vartan guy. I knew he was on Alias and I knew at some point in time he had dated Jennifer Garner-who is so normal looking that she is extraordinarily beautiful-but I never thought twice about him... until I watched this kiss again and thought, "Hmmm-he wouldn't make a half-bad Monday Swoon for the Swoonologists out there in the Six-Pack!"

So-I scoured the Internet late Saturday night and oooh'd and ahhh'd all in the name of "taking one for the team" and bringing these photogs to you... on Labor Day even! Looks like I louvre all of you too!

Oh Michael-why do you look so irritatingly perplexed? I only asked you to explain football to me and then explain why the Cleveland Browns have such ugly uniforms...

This right here is proof that all men at one point or another need to walk around with a black eye. Hello tough guy. A black eye works for men-it makes women say "Oooh... he was in a fist fight!" and also "Ooooh, I would really like to nurse his wounds back to health." If men only knew what was really going on in our heads-we would be in BIG trouble.

This look right here... every woman wants a man to look at her like this when she walks into a room. Every woman wants a man to stop mid-sentence and gaze at them as if their breath has just been taken away. Every woman wants piercing eyes to look directly into hers and tell her that she is beautiful without a word being spoken.

You didn't get that from this picture? Huh, must just be me.

Apparently Michael Vartan did not get that from the above photo either and he thinks it is pretty damn funny that women read so far into things when he was just looking at the clock on the wall above me when I walked in the room.

.

Dammit!

.
Oh well... Welcome to the Monday Swoon anyway VartanMan! May the Six-Pack be with you!

Can I Carry Your Baggage For You?

2009-09-03T14:44:00.004-04:00

Are all little children carriers? You know what I am talking about... little kids who carry random objects around every day, like mom's favorite pair of panties or dad's old used hanky?

All of my kids have been carriers in some way or another.

Well, Hope was more of a dragger... she used to tie string around the necks of her stuffed animals and drag them behind her everywhere she went. She had the string tied so tightly that if they were real animals we would have had to have them stuffed anyway after they had died from asphyxiation.

Aaron was a tucker... he used to tuck all kinds of things in his pockets. In the evening I had to empty his pockets and would find things like matchbox cars, marbles, dice, old crusty boogers, compost, and day old salami. You think I am joking.

Emma was a carrier... but she was a small time carrier. She would only choose one thing to carry-but the object changed from day to day. One day she would not be able to live without her baby doll, the next day she would have a melt down it I tried to take the ace of spades card away from her as that was her "carry" for the day, and I could tell you about the day Aaron saw the little old shoe piece from the Monopoly board game and tucked it in his pocket for the day without realizing that it was Emma's "carry" for the day and she had set it down for a mere second to go to the potty. I could tell you about that horrible frightful day... but I don't think I have the strength to go back and recount it yet. I still have nightmares.

Mary is a professional carrier. She will carry no less than 10 items every single day and she will have a melt down if she cannot get them all stuffed into her arms and balance them successfully as she manoeuvres through the house following me on my mundane tasks. An example of her treasures is FOUR... not one, but FOUR of her "nigh-nighs" which are little bits of blanket with an animal's head attached to it, one or two cups filled with soy milk or water (she likes variety in her drink) a book-and not your run of the mill little baby book that is small and square, no... she likes the BIG book that is in the shape of a duck, a puzzle piece (it is the horse piece-don't try and swap it out with the cow piece because she will know and she will cut you.) a naked Barbie (who is recently bald because of her disastrous hair appointment with a 6 year old) and the dog's collar-in case she needs to put it on the dog and drop all of the items in her arms and drag the dog around, in which case she becomes a dragger like her big sister.

I don't understand this.

It's not like I have to carry my cell phone around with me all day or I will freak out and start crying and throw myself on the ground and start kicking my legs and pounding my fists if I discover that I do not have it on me.

I only did that once I swear.

But then I found it in my back pocket and I was able to calm down.

No where near as neurotic as my children. The little maniacs.

Tuesdays Are For Mondays... And Where Is Skeletor?

2009-08-31T10:14:00.016-04:00

Last night I went to see the movie G.I. Joe with my 11 year old son. I tried to talk him into going to see Julia Julia but he was having none of that!

When I was a kid my next door neighbor had all of the G.I.Joe dolls. I had only one-Duke. He was the arch nemesis of my Ken doll and the bad boy in Barbie's Dream Mansion neighborhood. He drove around in a pink convertible and always stole Barbie away from Ken. He couldn't help it-he was a rebel, a loner with a passion for action and a need for speed. Barbie couldn't help but fall for him. She was defenseless to his camouflage pants and his buzz cut and Ken never had a chance with his sweater vests and side-parted plastic hair.

Poor Ken.

Thankfully I had about 50 Barbies and Ken found another mate-he saddled up next to the brunette Barbie, my least favorite of the bunch. I never combed her hair and made her wear the ugly "handmade craft fair clothes" from the bottom of the Barbie closet. Ken must have taken pity on her and they moved into the cardboard shoebox house next to the Dream Mansion and lived on food stamps and government cheese... but I think they were happy, not as happy as Barbie and Duke, but happy nonetheless.

Thank God my Therapist does not know about my blog.

Anyway...

So I went to see G.I. Joe last night and let me just say that I never knew the Joes had such an important mission in the world... but I was highly confused.

First of all... why don't normal people know about these special ops groups with alien like weapons and aircraft that can deflect bullets like rain on a tin roof? I mean, if the general public knew about these things and America just used these resources for the "normal" military... well we would have world domination wouldn't we?

Next... why are there so many girls in this movie? Were there girls in G.I. Joe when we were kids and if that is the case, why wasn't there a G.I. Jane before Demi Moore tried to be a Navy Seal? And what is up with their outfits? Who could fight wearing skin tight silicone and plastic domes for your boobs? I am not even going to mention their hair-the long, thick, flowing hair that looked orgasmic during the fight scenes. I wonder if they use that new hair product by Chaz Dean. If that is the case, I am soooo buying it!

Third... where was Skeletor? My son looked at me and rolled his eyes and said that Skeletor was not part of G.I.Joe, but I must argue this fact because Skeletor was friends with Cobra when I was a kid and they wreaked havoc on my neighborhood... just ask my mother. I mean, if you are going to remake a cartoon from my childhood you need to get it right! Sheesh...

But all in all it was a good movie (the parts that I paid attention to when I was not looking up Wen Hair care products on my cell phone) and they did a good job explaining things-not the way I thought the story came to be when I was a kid, but pretty good.

If they asked me what would have made this movie better, I would have said "A skinny blonde and a pink convertible."

But I will be the first to admit that I like the direction they took the movie in...

Yep.

6-Year-Olds Should Be In Charge Of National Defense...

2009-08-26T17:11:00.003-04:00

I have a 6 year old.

I know...

I can hear the gasps through the Internet.

You are sitting there thinking to yourself, "June! You don't look old enough to have a 6 year old."

You are too kind.

Stop-you are making me blush.

I do have a 6 year old and anyone who is anyone knows that 6 year olds are a breed of their own.

They are too young to send to military school and too smart to know that when you threaten them with military school they know that you are bluffing....

Because all they have to do is smile at you and it is all over.

The memories of them being little babies and smelling so sweet is too fresh in the mind of a mother of a 6 year old that it is virtually impossible to stay mad at them for any offense they may have thrown your way.

But before you know it they are up to something else and by the end of the day you are ready to string them up from their toenails... only to be laughing at them again when they say something witty and profound.

Why does this happen? Why do little people go from being cute and cuddly when they are five to rascally and devilish when they are six?

And where do they get their little sassy mouth from?

I don't talk like that! Honest... I have never turned to my children and said "Yeah, well if you don't let me go first I won't be your friend anymore." and then stick my tongue out at them.

If my children took the time to listen to me they would say things like "Mommy, you are so beautiful." or "Mommy, you look so skinny today!"

Those are the kinds of things that I said to my mom when I was 6 because I was the perfect child. Mhm... perfect.

I never threatened to run away and have my own mother pack my bags and toss me out on the back porch, and I NEVER complained when my mother asked me to go get her something while she napped on the couch only to have her hug me for doing the chore and then smack me in the face for complaining about it.

Nope-I was the perfect 6 year old child and my mother will attest to this... just make sure you ask her after she has had her little nip of wine in the evening.

A-hem.

*It needs to be said that the above picture is not my child. My children are much cuter. I am not going to say who's child this is, but I will say that she gets her sweet disposition from her mother.*

There's No Crying In Baseball!

2009-08-20T13:11:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to cry?

I have those all the time-as a matter of fact, I would like to cry right now but I won't because then my nose will start running and I will have to go fetch a tissue and I am all comfy on my couch... so comfy that I could cry.

See, it is a vicious cycle.

I have a friend who says that you are only allowed to cry if there is blood.

That may be the reason why I always feel the urge to cry when I am on my period. Blood is blood right-no one said it had to be a self inflicted wound-or even a wound that you inflict upon someone else... hmmm?

So last night I was home alone and for some reason I felt like crying.

I decided to have a party all by myself and it ended up being a pity party. Some people (men) may think that pity parties are silly. Some people (men) may think that pity parties are useless. Some people (men) may even think that pity parties are for the weak and powerless.

But I say O contraire mon frere!

I think crying is an amazing release. It is kind of like on Thanksgiving when you eat your weight in mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing and turkey and you need to either burp or fart in order to make room for the pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

There is nothing like a good cry to put your life back into perspective.

Someone talking about you and you can't violate your probation? Cry.

Dairy Queen stop making the Brownie Batter Blizzard because it was only around for a month? Cry.

Your neighbor's dog take a crap in your front yard and you step in it when you are mowing? Cry.

Go to the store for a gallon of milk and come home with three bags of crap that cost over $100 and somehow forget to buy the milk? Cry.

Need to go to an appointment that you are late for and as you rush into your car with your hair on fire and your temper a blazin' and look down and see that you are out of gas? Cry.

Lose your keys? Cry.

Lose the elastic in your favorite bra? Cry.

Lose the remote and have to get up and turn the channel-only you have one of those TVs that will only work if you have the remote? Cry.

Get out of the shower only to realize that you forgot to put a towel in the bathroom and you have to walk through the house, down the hall and in front of a picture window in order to get to the linen closet for a fresh one and no less than 5 people see you naked-including the mailman through the picture window? Cry.

Forget to take a DVD back to the library for a month and have a $30 fine for Barbie's Princess Tea? Cry.

Going out on the weekend and find that your lucky panties are in the laundry (oh, you know as well as I do that we all have that one pair of panties that are our favorites-don't deny it)? Cry.

Rearrange your schedule, bathe the kids, get them in bed and put your pj's on so you can watch your favorite television show in quiet and comfort only to find that every channel has the Presidential Address on it? Cry.

Honestly crying could be the answer for just about anything in life. It is good and I bet it saves a lot of women from winding up on the program "Snapped-Women Who Kill" on the Biography channel.

So go ahead and cry! Let it out. You'll feel better I promise... I know about these kind of things.

Vacation Started At 8:05 This Morning...

2009-08-18T09:35:00.004-04:00

Today is the day that many a mom does a happy little jig in the kitchen to herself and then opens up the fridge and eats half of the contents in one sitting because she can.

Today is the day that many a mom will be able to sit on the toilet without having an audience of small people.

Today is the day that many a mom will be able to get back to the gym and take a shower by herself.

Today is the day that many a mom will go to the store-any store-alone and not have to leave without buying anything because a six year old is sprawled out on the floor of the cereal aisle kicking and screaming over Lucky Charms.

Today is the day that many a mom will bask in the fact that she does not have to yell things like "Don't hit your sister!" "Who left the milk out on the counter?" or even "Why is there a chainsaw in your bedroom?"

Yes ladies... today is your day. Run free! Take off your bra and walk through the house singing show tunes if you want-you are living on your time now. Your agenda. Your own freakin' schedule!

Just make sure you are back to normal by 11:40 a.m. because some yahoo on the school board thinks it is a good idea to "ease" kids into the first day of school and only give them a half day.

Pffft.

I am sure the school board is either made up entirely of men or women who only have high schoolers left in the house who can drive themselves and keep their own rooms clean. Communists.

It is a conspiracy I tell you... a C.O.N.S.P.I.R.A.C.Y.

But I can't worry about that right now-I have to decide if I want to clean all the toilets in my house and vacuum before 11:40 or if I want to organize my 11 year old son's bedroom.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I crack myself up-clean the toilets! Now that is funny right there!

Monday Swoon Three-Peat...

2009-08-17T09:14:00.009-04:00

What do you get when you cross a good-looking actor and three summer box office hits? You get Eric Bana on the NEW and IMPROVED Monday Swoon-which is NOT under new management, and well, okay... it has not been improved much, but he was around so much this summer that I thought it only logical that he gets the HIGH HONORS of being the first Swoon in a long time. Congratulations Mr. Bana-I am sure you have no idea what this is about to do for your career-but rumor has it that if you are ever featured on the Monday Swoon your life is about to get very good, very fast. Look at Matthew McConaughey-he is a regular feature on the Swoon and his career is BOOMING with hits such as "The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past."

Hmmm... maybe that was a bad example.

Anyway, Eric Bana was in three, count em' THREE movies this summer. I know. WOW!

When he called the Six-Pack to let me know about his latest movie (What? You don't believe me that Eric Bana calls me? Pffft, whatever. I have my delusions, you have yours.) He told me I would really like it, not only because I had read the book but also because he is costarring with one of my favorite actresses of all times Rachel McAdams. I love her in any film she does... one word for you "The Notebook."

Okay, that was two words, but still...

Eric is from Australia. HELLO? Accent! And look at his jawline... they just don't make jawlines like that anymore. I am sure some of you will comment and say "Oh but June the DO make jawlines like that still... my husband has a jawline like that and I just love it!" Well, good for you-but does your husband have this jawline AND a Australian accent? I didn't think so, so back off!

You know what I like most about this book turned movie turned back into a book that is on the 30% off self at Target? The character's names. Clare and Henry.

Sigh.

Those are both great names, and Eric Bana looks just like a Henry doesn't he?

Moving on...

Many moons ago at the beginning of summer-or maybe it was spring, my son (who is not only a member of the angry-boy syndrome but he is the President!) dragged me to see the Sci-Fi geek movie Star Trek.

When the movie was over I told my son that I loved him more than I love m&m blizzards for making me go see this flick. Why you ask? Because Eric Bana plays the bad guy Nero. I didn't even know it was Eric because he had shaved off all of his thick brown wavy hair and had tattoos all over his face.

Some would think that was frightening and creepy.

Not me. Nope.

I think ink on the face may be the next NEW thing don't you? It says something doesn't it?

It says "I am a bad guy and I am never going to be a good guy so if you get mixed up with me just prepare yourself to have a bad guy on your hands at all times. A guy who doesn't *^$% around and ain't afraid to bleed."

Yeah, I'm thinking I like face tattoos... if only for fashion sake.

Phew. Hard to stop looking at those face tattoos isn't it?

Mr. Bana once again switches gears and is in a movie that I have yet to see but really want to because it has Eric Bana in it and he was on the Monday Swoon over at June Cleaver After a Six-Pack... Hey! Wait a minute!

Anyway, he is in Funny People with-funny people. This is a must-see girls because he is speaking in his native tongue in this one. Oh yeah. So when he says his lines you have to squint your eyes and tilt your good ear toward the big screen and then turn to your friend sitting next to you and say "What did he say" to which she will respond, "I don't know... was he saying something?" and you will say "Yes, something about being as dry as a dead dingos donger... whatever that means." and she will say "What? a dead dingo's what?" and then you will loudly say "DONGER." and then the people behind you will shush you and you will turn around and tell them it is a free country and before you know it you are kicked out of the movie theater like a 13 year old boy and you will never know just what Eric Bana was talking about!

Sigh. Damn accents.

But at least you will be able to look at his forearms.

mhm.

And... AND... he is in this movie with ANOTHER of my favorite actresses Leslie Mann. He sure knows how to pick his co-stars doesn't he? Or is it that my favorite actresses know how to keep the Six-Pack happy and pick really good leading men.

I vote for door #2.

Hmmm, what else can be said about Eric Bana....

I can't think of anything can you?

Yeah... I think we covered it all.

Eric Bana with hair

Eric Bana is a good Henry

Eric Bana bald

Eric Bana with face ink

Eric Bana accent

Eric Bana forearms

Eric Bana leading man

What I am missing?

Oh yes... now I remember.

Pssst...

2009-08-14T18:11:00.003-04:00

Heard through the grapevine that june will have a Monday Swoon and she will also have those winners from loooon looooong ago!

Don't know about you-but I am ready for a little june cleaver to come out and play ya know?

Signed,
june's alter ego... Mapleton Henrietta.

Hello? Are You There Six-Packers? It's Me June...

2009-07-08T09:19:00.006-04:00

Swoon over at Cousin Steve's Place.

And Riiiicky, I know I got some s'plainin' to do. No worries-

I have winners as well, but I lost my random number finder outer thing in the move and hope that it will surface soon--along with my son's bed skirt and my Thriller Album.

Hmm.

The Wednesday Swoon (Think They'll Notice It's Not Monday?) and... there may be a CONTEST at the end of this post. Shhhh.

2009-06-10T02:18:00.014-04:00

Okay... sooooooooo

I have looked at all of your calculated contributing ideas of swoonworthy men for the Six-Pack and I have to tell ya-you all are good...no, not good... you all are GUUD!

BUT-

I am not gonna put a one of those men on this week's Wednesday Swoon.

"Why June?"

Well because... I don't want to.

And also, because I am going to put every last stinking one of them on next week's MONDAY Swoon... not to be confused with the WEDNESDAY Swoon, or even the FRIDAY Mascot (Buzzy) Swoon.

So quit sending suggestions-you have given me too much work as it is... and to be honest, that is why I am not putting them on the Wednesday edition of the Monday Swoon because I am too damn lazy this week.

That is right.

I am LAZY.

Sigh.

BUT, because I love you so very mucho grande Taco Bell, I am not going to leave you empty swoonded.

You can thank me later... right now just listen and look and enjoy.

The other night I went to go see the movie The Hangover.

Oh my loving mother of Betty Crocker! This is hands down the FUNNIEST movie I have EVER seen. I am still giggling to myself when I think about it...

As soon as you are done reading this blog and wiping the drool off your chin for the photogs you are about to view, go directly to your local movie viewing establishment and watch this movie. You will not be sorry--I bet it is even better if you consume a couple of loaded beers first, which is precisely what I am going to do when I go see it a second time. I am going after I am good and drunk and I am going to laugh until I pee my pants and then throw up on the college kid in front of me.

Yep.

Anyway... in this movie is someone who I have been watching for a while now but have not put on the swoon.

"Why not June?"

I don't know really-I guess it is because he always plays a jerk in movies-but he is a hot jerk so all is forgiven. I mean, you know a man is hot when he can be a jerk and you say "But look at his blue eyes. I bet I can change him. Yeah, he wouldn't be a jerk to ME."

Uh-huh.

But in this movie-he ain't no jerk and he looks really really really really really really good.

So Ladies of the Six-Pack, I introduce to you for the FIRST time on the Swoon (but definitely not to be the last because I think I may like to look at him just about as much as I like to look at Gerry Butler, Matt McCon, Robward Pattinson and Christian hayBale.) our newest addition to the family... Bradley Cooper.

Mercy.

Hello T-R-O-U-B-L-E. You are going to make all the other fellas on the Swoon list jealous aren't ya Bradley? Oh yes you are.... My Mama never told me about nothing like Y-O-U!

Come on in baby... the water is perfect.

Let's all be silent for a moment here and just look at this man laughing. I mean, you know you are going to have a good time with a guy who can look like that when he laughs-Shhhhh. Just look at him and try not to smile, and try not to think about what he may be laughing at... you won't be able to do it and before you know it, it will be an hour later and you will still be sitting on this blog fantasizing about what he is laughing at and smiling the entire time like a silly little school girl with a dirtly little secret.

I bet he read my blog and thought it was just so damn funny.

Sigh.

Where was I?

Oh yes.... moving on.

He even looks good dirty and beaten up. I am diggin' the Rays-I have a pair like that and a friend told me that I look like a cop when I wear them. Well Mr. Cooper, if you look like a cop... I insist upon a frisking!

Don't you just want to take him home and prop him up on your couch and stare at him? His smile alone could make me happy. Pure and simple.

Okay Six-Packers, this last photog is for you... it needs a caption. Give it to me in the comments-the best caption wins-what do you win? The Hangover Soundtrack!! That is right... IT IS CONTEST TIME!!!!!! I have two... count em' TWO soundtracks to give away-one will go to the winner of the Random number finder thingamajiger and the other will go to the one caption that makes me laugh the most.

I need to laugh people-you have your marching orders... now get to work and entertain me!

kthanxsbye

Oh yeah... you have until Monday because I am not going to be around for the next couple of days. I am off on an expedition-one to far away lands that have beer and prolly some tequilla, but I am not going to partake in such things. Pfffft. Who am I freakin' kidding?

So since I won't be here for the Friday News... here ya go.

Enjoy and I'll see ya on the flip side of the weekend.

Please... Do Not Point and Stare At Me!

2009-06-07T11:19:00.005-04:00

In this kind of mood today... and if you think that means I am happy and fun-loving... you are sorely mistaken.

It means I am crazy.

Yes, crazy.

For reasons that I am not even sure about... but sure that I can't tell you about! Wow... they must be good reasons if I can't tell you-my close and intimate six-packers.

Sigh.

I have no idea who to put on the Monday Swoon-not one single Swoonworthy man in popping into my crazy head and saying "Pick Me! Pick Me Pick Me!"

Nope-that is how crazy my mood is... I am not even having delusional fantasies.

So give me some ideas in the comments Okay-for a good Swoon.

Now if you will excuse me... the traffic is not going to control itself!

Courage And Devotion...

2009-06-06T11:02:00.001-04:00

Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have
striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The
hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.
In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on
other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the German war
machine, the elimination of Nazi tyranny over the oppressed peoples of
Europe, and security for ourselves in a free world.

Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well
equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely.

But this is the year 1944! Much has happened since the Nazi triumphs of
1940-41. The United Nations have inflicted upon the Germans great defeats,
in open battle, man-to-man. Our air offensive has seriously reduced their
strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground. Our Home
Fronts have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions
of war, and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained fighting men.
The tide has turned! The free men of the world are marching together to
Victory!

I have full confidence in your courage and devotion to duty and skill in
battle. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!

Good luck! And let us beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great
and noble undertaking.

SIGNED: Dwight D. Eisenhower

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...Beer in a Bottle and Shots in a Row

2009-06-05T09:57:00.004-04:00

Yes, I know it is Friday and yes, I am aware that the masses come to this blog on Friday in order to catch up on all of the important world events (yeah, that is right... suck it YahooNews.). But I am just not feeling it today.

I don't mean to let you down-but sometimes friends do that-they let you down... they throw you under a bus.

I am not throwing you under a bus here... I am just not giving you those boring news clippings.

I am going to give you something much MUCH better.

I am going to let you in on some very funny favorite things of mine.... well, some aren't funny-like Coconut water. That is one of my favorite things-I drink it after yoga and it is so bad that it makes me feel good... but it isn't funny-unless you are talking about how it smells because it does kind of smell funny, but I have found if I just hold my breath and drink it, my body gets all of the benefits and my nose does not cause my throat to have a gag reflex.

But enough about coconut water.

Another nonfunny favorite thing of mine? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with potato chips on top. Yep. I eat one every day. I can't help myself...

Now, on to my favorite funny things:

These peeps are not on my sidebar YET... but I am getting there. I know I am slow-but slow can be good sometimes, just ask the tortoise.

So, as Fraulein Maria said, "These are a few of my favorite things!" Go visit them-laugh a little and have a fabulous Friday!

Gina-so funny that I may have even spit coconut water all over my laptop when I read her.

Powdergirl-or as I lovingly call her Powder "ain't nothing wrong with good lookin mens" girl. My day is not complete before I head on over to see what trouble she is up to!

PhatMama-who sends me into convulsions from laughing so hard-I mean, this mama is so funny that I want to just pack up my bags and follow her around all day laughing. Not only am I a member of the PhatMama fan club... but I am the President!

Maria-We all know and love Maria don't we? Not only is she witty and sharp as a tack, but she is also GORGEOUS! If only I knew a single Catholic nice boy to set her up with... but sadly, I cannot think of anyone who is good enough for this youngster that I have grown to louvre. Robert Pattinson is single... hmmm.

Oh... and even though you all come here on Friday under the guise of obtaining knowledge of the world around you, I know why you really come.

Have a stupendous Friday ladies!

Dance Like An Entire Stadium Is Watching...

2009-06-04T11:02:00.004-04:00

Aaron has been trying out for a travel tournament baseball team every night this week. He is having the time of his life and I am having the time of my life watching all of these kids with so much talent come together as a team and support one another.

It is an amazing thing the way boys make friendships. Girls are different-although Hope's softball team is a tight group, there is usually drama somewhere in the mix. Boys don't do drama. They are there to simply play ball and have fun.

We have finally merged into the age of maturity and teamwork that when someone does make a mistake, there is always another team member there backing them up-helping them out-making the play-and patting them on the back. The mistake is not carried off the field with them because their team members supported the player.

I do stay away from the parents though. Please forgive me if you are a parent that sits in the stands and boasts about your kid to everyone. I just can't stand to be around that. Maybe your kid is good-that is great... but the last time I looked, it was your kid out there and not you-please stop living vicariously through them. That is creepy. I also can't stand when parents talk about other people's kids. Who are you to make a comment on a kid who is out there doing the best they can? Yeah-I stay away from parents in bleachers because I could end up in jail for three days if I didn't.

Anyway-since we have baseball on the brain this week, I thought I would share this video that I grabbed up from the lunatics over at threedonia. It is funny-it is kids being kids.

The joy of just being able to live.

I Have Held Out Long Enough... SWOON!

2009-06-01T00:20:00.019-04:00

Okay, so I have spared the mens who read this blog for a very long time with any mouth watering pics of our beloved Robert Pattinson... but I can't keep him away any longer.

I cannot help myself-

Here you go ladies... sink your teeth into these. God Bless the Monday Swoon.

And so help me Chuck Norris if any of you fellas complain and say we are sinning I will cut your heart out with a spoon. Why a spoon? Because it will hurt more. (what movie is that from? Anyone?)!

Besides, sinning is good sometimes-it keeps you holy.

Look how he is looking at me! I am sorry Robert-truly I am. I promise to never go so long again without putting you on the swoon.

Can you say hair porn? I can... oh yes I can.

Oh to be the his fingers running through that head of hair. Sigh. Or rather... oh to be a head of hair that his fingers are running through. Yeah, that is it. Shhhhh while I meditate on that for a moment.

Alright, so here are the pics that I am sure you have all seen already of Robert-Edward in Italy. You remember this part in the book... when he calls Bella's house and Jacob answers and says that Bella's dad is at a funeral and Edward assumes that it is Bella who has died so he goes to Italy with a plan to let the Volturi rip him to shreds because he can no longer live in a world that does not have Bella in it.

Sigh.

He needs to remove his shirt because he is going to walk into the sunlight exposing his nocturnalness to the world so that the Volturi have no choice but to kill him.

Because living without Bella has been painful, yet living with the knowledge that she is dead is unbearable for his beatless heart.

And right after this moment... I have another picture, the one where Bella runs into his arms and they kiss and he thinks he is dying because he is kissing her and it isn't so bad-but then he realizes that it is Bella and that she is with him and that SHE IS ALIVE!!!!! But I don't want to post that picture because it has Kirsten Stewart in it and who the hell wants to see that? Not me. Pffft.

.

So let's just look at another picture of Robert Pattinson's hair shall we? How does he do it? I am amazed.

Shhhh... I am meditating again.

And look, I even have a picture of the wolfpack... the dogs that they are... the werewolves that do not like vampires. Not bad... not bad at all-if you like that sort of thing.

And here is that stinky ol' smelly Jacob who is so arrogant after he becomes a wolf that I could just smack him... not to mention the fact that I could just toss Bella out of a moving vehicle because she is so wishy washy with it all.

Bella irritates the crap out of me. There, I said it. She needs to grow some boobs and be a woman.

Anyway, where was I? Oh... here is another picture of Robert shirtless... in case you didn't catch the ones up top.

Just look at this poster. I hate it... I hate it because it reminds me of the sadness I felt when I read New Moon-which I have to say is probably my favorite of the Twilight Series (yes, I am aware that I am a grown woman-leave me the hell alone). The angst, the pain, the torture... it is all part of life and part of love. The pain makes you remember that you are alive.

Freakin' vampires.

So, without further adieu.... I give you the official trailer for the New Moon movie:

I want more don't you? I want them to just show me that whole damn thing. I don't like to be teased and now we have to wait 5 long months before we can see the entire thing!

What the hell?

So I think we should all just open up our copies of New Moon (oh don't act like you have not thought about it) and reread it.

It'll do us good...the men in our lives will go insane, but that is part of the fun of being in love with a vampire isn't it? (I can't wait to tell Cousin Steve that I am reading it again!)

Oh yes, oh yes indeed.

Never Ask "Lemme Smell Your Hands"

2009-05-30T05:40:00.005-04:00

I am PMSing.

Yes-hold on to your hats six-packers... I may need you to bail me out of jail by the time this one is over.

Ugh.

Yesterday I had an overwhelming urge to just cry. I was driving in my minivan with my two youngest in their carseats and I just wanted to cry. I don't know why-I knew it would not solve the world problems or cure cancer... but the need was overwhelming.

I didn't cry.

I honked at the car in front of me and then flipped off the billboard for breast enlargements.

I felt better-but not fully.

So I texted Cousin Steve (oh-in case you did not know, I am a texting pro now. I text all day every day. I text my children, my friends, my family... I would even text you if you sent me your number-maybe.) This was our textersation:

Me: "Uh-oh, I feel PMS coming on. xcuz me while I burst into tears for no apparent reason."

CS: "I started yesterday."

Me: "So you felt this way too?"

CS: "Every other day. Except if it falls on an odd dated Tuesday. Im ok on those."

Me: "Do men ever feel like they just need a good cry and rant?"

CS: "I am crying now."

Me: "Oh U men HAVE no (curse word) IDEA!!!!!"

And then the rest of the day I just sent him random curse words to which he responded with Irish Blessings. He is so "holier than thou" the drunk bastard.

Later on in the afternoon my baby Mary came up to me whimpering and pushed her hand in my face. I assumed that she hurt her little fingers so I kissed them. She then held her little hands up to me so that I would hold her. I pulled her into my lap and instantly smelled a load in her diaper (yes, I am aware that she turned two at the beginning of May and I have yet to start potty training her-I have decided that this kid can potty train herself, I mean really... do I think she is going to go off to college wearing diapers? No-she'll figure it out.) So I shuffle her into her room to change the foul smelling pile. As I lay her down I realize that her diaper is all askew and she has poo smeared down her leg. She once again holds up her hand to me and says:

"EWWWWWWWWW!"

I suddenly realize that she did not hurt her hand and need me to kiss her boo boo all better... she was telling me that she stuck her precious little pudgy fingers into her dead carcass smelling diaper and she had feces all over herself.

And I kissed it.

Seriously folks. Can I please call bullshit on this day? Please?

Where Have You Been?

2009-05-29T10:28:00.004-04:00

I don't have to tell you that life is crazy... but life is crazy.

I am trying to be Supermom and I would say that so far... I am almost there, aside from the drunken stupor I was in on Wednesday night, but it was Wednesday-what else was I supposed to do?

The kids had fun drawing on me with markers... see, we do arts and crafts too!

BUT...

I have not forgotten you.

I know what day it is... if is FRIDAY, and I know that on Fridays I like to toss out some world news so we feel a little more "informed"

But nothing jumped out at me unless you want to hear about the fact that the Black Hole has the same appetite as my son and eats up to 2 EARTHS a day! Sheesh... and I thought I had a large grocery bill!

Or how about the fact that Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken are fighting like little girls with their press on nails out. Oh the eye liner will be a' runnin' on this one-I can tell!

And then there is the story about Lee Iacocca losing a chunk of his pension and his life long company car because of Chrysler's bankruptcy. Sigh. So now instead of being a billionaire, he will have to settle for being a multimillionaire. Times are rough people!

But that is all boring stuff... and the rest of the news-the stuff that tells us about national security and the economy, well that was all boring too.

The real reason I came into the Six-Pack on this beautiful Friday is because I didn't want to forget to give you this:

Have a great Friday ladies!

A Confusingly Hot Monday Swoon...

2009-05-25T11:12:00.011-04:00

Okay, so I was talked into going to see Terminator Salvation with Aaron yesterday. I have seen all Terminators for one reason and one reason alone...

but I have never really understood the story line. The time travel, the terminators, Sara Connor's biceps... it was all confusing to me, but I watched them because I am the mother of a boy and that is what you do when you have a boy, you watch movies that make no mother loving sense to you.

Well this one was no exception. I prepared myself first by reading up on it-trying to get my mind in a "Okay, I am a college graduate, I can figure this story out" mode.

It didn't help.

First of all... who is Marcus Wright and where does he come from? What did he do that caused his brother to be killed and for him to be executed? And why is he even in the story? I have not figure that out-except for the fact that he is HOT! Yes... H.O.T.

And what is up with Helen Bonham Carter (Dr. Serena Kogan)? First she has cancer and then she is the evil mind behind Skynet? WTF Jimmy! What is her purpose in all of this? How did she find Marcus and that kiss in the beginning-gross. That is all I am going to say about that.

Okay, now... John Connor. How did he come to be in a time when he is an adult and his father is a teenager and he has to rescue him? I mean-hello!? Where is the time machine? And another thing-why is everyone dirty? Don't they have water? It rains so you would think they would have water considering they have high tech computers and can travel in time-but a shower? Maybe that is too advanced.

My biggest question is this... and if you can answer it I will love you forever (not really, but I will be able to look at Aaron and say "See! I told you so!") Is Marcus Wright supposed to be a young version of Arnold's Terminator? I mean-he wears leather pants like Arnold does so I assume that means they are the same person, because who in their right mind would wear leather pants and run around getting all dirty and sweaty? There is too much in common there. And doesn't John Connor always send back Arnold (see-there is that time travel thing again... BUT WHERE IS THE TIME MACHINE?) and didn't Marcus and John become friends and weren't they "together" in the end? Hmmm? I think I am right... but what do I know-I basically went for the hot men.

All I know for certain is that whatever master mind in Hollywood said "Hey! Let's make a movie and put a sweaty Christian Bale in it and a sweaty Sam Worthington in it for the ladies." He (or she) is a genius! A FREAKIN' GENIUS!

I mean, just look at him... Christian Bale could be in a movie about killer zombies with prosthetic legs and a desire to make all human beings purple and I would go see it. Yes, I would.

And this guy-who is he? Where did he come from? How has he not been on the Six-Pack radar? Well... thank God we found you Sam Worthington and rest assured stud, you will always have a place on the Monday Swoon. Mercy.

Now if you will excuse me... I have to go see if John Connor's pregnant wife ever has that baby and if so, does that mean there will be more Terminator movies to make me confused and turned on all at the same time.

God I love Summer Blockbusters that make no sense!

Seen, Heard, and Made Up...

2009-05-22T09:38:00.009-04:00

Ahhhh, Friday. Wait-my kids are home from school. Dang.

I tried to sleep in but was up at 6:45am which is the exact time that I have set my alarm for every mother loving day of this school year and the moment that alarm went off I would moan, cry, curse and hit the snooze button until I finally jumped out of bed at 7:05am with my hair on fire screaming at everyone to get moving because we only had 15 minutes to get out of the house!

But today-the first day to sleep in... I wake up at the alarm time.

God must just sit up in heaven and laugh his ass off at me.

In my free time I started perusing the news articles for you-because I know how difficult it can be to get to the news everyday so I thought I would give you the most pressing issues of the day... like this one.

Robert "he loves me" Pattinson somehow got cornered into having to give a fan a kiss on the cheek for charity.

Really? $55,000? Wow... no wonder men everywhere hate him. Would I pay that much for a kiss on the cheek? Uhm, no. Now, if he was willing to be locked in a room in the basement of my house for a year to be at my disposal... well that is a different story.

Now, I am sure none of you saw this, or heard about this, or will even know who I am about to tell you about, but it seems that a reality television show couple are coming back for another season.

The kicker-they have 8 kids (no-they aren't Catholic)... oh, and they may or may not have cheated on each other (because you know-you have LOADS of extra time when you have 8 kids running around and television cameras recording your every move).

Do you know who I am talking about? Hmmmm.... some Jon and Kate or Fred and Wilma or is it

Heathcliff and Claire-I am not sure. I have never heard of them before-honest Abe.

What is up with this people? Seriously? Who gives a rip? I don't-that is why I am posting it on my blog.

Why do we find other people's lives so interesting? I personally find my own life interesting and if the six-pack knew a fraction of the crap that is going on around here--well we would have had a reality television show ages ago... but you don't need to know about my drama--you probably wouldn't like me much if you knew the truth anyway (because it is much like the truth in all of your lives), and the media would have a FIELD DAY with me.

You can take that to the bank baby.

Now... can we talk about something more interesting?

Is the Pope on Facebook?

Hmmmm... I tried facebook and I sorta liked it, but deactivated my account because I realized that I could care less what a "friend" from high school who I have not talked to in 20 years because she stole my boyfriend Sophomore year (because she would what I wouldn't) is doing at 9pm on a Monday night. I mean, how is it affecting my day seeing that she was getting ready to pop some popcorn and watch a movie with her second husband (her first husband was the boyfriend she stole from me-nice to see how that worked out for her).

Facebook apparently made me bitter-so I left. I am sure they do not miss me.

But-now that the Pope is on Facebook I have been thinking that I should check it out again. Do I want to know that the Pope is popping popcorn on a Monday night and getting ready to say the rosary for the 17th time that day? Maybe.

And last-but certainly not least... I saw this.

WTF Jimmy?

Now, I am from Chicago-so I am a true Bears fan. I would never... NEVER trade my jersey for a second let alone a day!

Brian and I agree... The Steelers can keep him. Just ask me how I feel about Michael Jordan after he said he would never play for another team but Chicago, and then he came out of retirement and played for someone else-I don't even remember who because the moment he crossed that line I forgot all about him. I am wired that way-burn me and I will toss you away... you will be dead to me. Dead.

But that is all I am going to say about that because I don't talk politics here on the Six-Pack.

Excuse me while I go punch a hole in the wall.

Alright folks-that is it! Consider yourselves caught up in the happenings of the world we live in. Maybe next week I'll throw some things in there that will edjumacate us... but you have to consider my sources (the media) so I don't know how that will happen.

Enjoy your Friday!

Oh... and I almost forgot~

Gird Your Loins People... The Cleaver Kids Are Out Of School For The Summer!

2009-05-21T09:27:00.005-04:00

Today is the last day of school.

It seems like just 9 months ago that the first day of school was here and I was happily dropping my children off at the building where they would learn all kinds of interesting tid-bits to help them get through life.

Now they are back in my care for the summer.

Lord help them.

Lord help me.

First lesson that I will teach them? To leave mommy alone when the vein in the middle of her forehead is pulsing.

I have been trying to teach that lesson for 14 years now and it has never sunk in.

Dang.

I am going to pick them up in the same way that I pick them up on every last day of the school year-I stand outside of my van dancing while I blare "Schools Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper.

Catholic school teachers LOVE that kind of stuff.

My daughter may die a thousand deaths when she sees me... but I am trying to instill joy here! It is summer for Pete's sake-it is time to be carefree and drunk by 1pm lounging by the pool! (for me, not my children-they still need to wait until 5pm to get drunk).

Speaking of drunk and children being home 24/7 for the next 3 months, I have a new drink for you.

I promise you will LOVE it.

I got it from a hard-core Irish Catholic father of 8, so you know it is the bomb!

It is called a "loaded beer"

You will need a beer-any beer will do-but it needs to be in a bottle. Well, I guess you wouldn't want to use Heineken because it has formaldehyde in it (did you know that?) and I don't want to be preserved until I am dead-so your best bet is to use your regular beer that you have in your fridge. Bud, Miller, Coors.... don't use Corona though-trust me on this.

And you will need (get your pencils out-write this down-this is the most important part) Margaritaville Island Lime Tequila. Let me repeat that... MARGARITAVILLE ISLAND LIME TEQUILA. Do not try to substitute if for anything else. Word on the street is that it will be shit-so don't get all "I know what I am doing... I can use applesauce in place of sugar" on me here. Just trust me.

Open your beer and pour the Tequila in the bottle all the way to the top. Gently place your thumb over the opening and slowly... SLOWLY tip the beer over so that the Tequila mixes with the beer.

Then-drink.

Easy.

Simple.

Loaded.

Nice.

One Small Step For Teenagers... One Giant Leap For Hormones

2009-05-20T08:40:00.004-04:00

Last night was Hope's eighth grade graduation... you heard me right, they have graduation for eighth graders now. Back in the day when I was leaving eighth grade, we simply walked out of the building and were told to not screw up our lives in high school by doing drugs and having sex. There was no pomp and circumstance.

But like I always say... times have changed.

After the graduation Mass there was a dance for the kids. I signed up to chaperone because Hope LOVES it when I do those kinds of things... and when the music started I just couldn't help myself and I felt to need to move a little to the music-just sway, maybe tap my foot... nothing obscene-but Hope told me that I had to sit in the corner and not move at all.

What a party pooper.

So after sitting there with a girlfriend for a little bit, we noticed that there were PLENTY of chaperones and so she and I went across the street to drink for 2 hours while the party was going on.

It was one of the best eighth grade graduations ever.

Oh relax, I only had one beer... okay, two. Oh, and we had crab dip-so that made the trip worth it. Although, they served it with pita bread and I prefer lightly toasted baguette... but I am not one to complain. Ever. (giggle)

I walked back in the party I noticed all of the kids were in one big mosh pit in the corner of the dance floor. I knew exactly what they were doing in that tight circle they made... I know because I was once 14 and I remember-like a freakin' elephant I remember-they were "dirty dancing" up in that circle. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. a-hem.

One mom walked over to me and said "I don't know why they are dancing in that circle like that."

Duh!

What happened to moms today? When did they forget what it was like to be a teenager with hormones raging and the need to dance and flirt and laugh and like boys and giggle and try and pull one over on the chaperones at the cafeteria dance?

I wonder what it is like to go through life with blinders on...

Anyway, when Hope was done taking pictures of everyone and getting everyones phone number programed in her cell phone because they are going to be life long friends and blah blah blah... we went home.

As we were walking into the house she turns to me and says "Mom... do you know what "grinding" is?"

Me: "Yes Hope... I invented grinding."

Hope: "Gross... thanks a lot mom for that image."

Me: "Anytime."

Kids.... they think they are Neil Armstrong.

Pffft.

To Boldly Go To The Monday Swoon...

2009-05-18T01:04:00.020-04:00

Word on the street is that Cousin Steve has been threatening to do the Monday Swoon if I did not come out of rehab... I mean "hiding" in order to give you your weekly dose of man hunk swoon.

I am afraid to see what he may be doing over there at that blog of his, but if it does entail a donkey, jumper cables and motor oil... well I am going to sell tickets.

That is all I have to say about that.

As for my break-I am still on it. Maybe. Possibly. Ask me again tomorrow to see if I feel like coming out of my alcohol induced coma and decide to grab the bull by the horns and start living again.

If you really want to know that truth... I had plastic surgery*. Yes. I did*. I had all of the extra skin cut off of my stomach-the skin that has been stretched out because of the four little human beings that suck the life out of me on a daily basis-that skin. I had it cut off and I donated it to a woman who needed a stomach skin transplant. Word is that she is doing well. She should be out of the hospital in no time and will make an appearance on The Today Show some time this summer. I have asked to remain anonymous so please, when you see this amazing "stomach skin transplant" woman, do not yell "HEY! YOU HAVE JUNE CLEAVER'S STOMACH SKIN!" She will have no idea what you are talking about and you may end up in jail like I did that one time I was at Outback Steakhouse and the manager looked just like Ryan Seacrest and I felt compelled to convince him of this amazing theory of mine after 6 beers and 3 Jager bombs... and a onion blossom. Damn those onion blossoms-they get me in trouble all the time. Anyway-I went to jail because someone who I am not allowed to come within 50 feet of (the Ryan Seacrest look-alike manager) did not like the way I was "in his face" (his words, not mine.)

Whatever.

I also had my boobs done. I am now an A cup. I just could not go on living with my barely C's so I thought that since I was getting my stomach skin cut off, they may as well go all the way and get rid of my boobs. I donated them to science because let's face it... I had some fabulous boobs-until just recently when they became pancakes from nursing the same 4 human beings that stretched the hell out of my stomach.

Damn kids.

While I was recovering from my plastic surgeries, I was able to think long and hard (loooong and haaaard) about the Monday Swoon. I have done so many lately and it is sometimes a challenge to find hot men. I mean, it gets a little tedious searching the Internet for shirtless hunks and Swoonworthy pics. It is a hard (haaaaaaaaard) job let me tell you... but for you, my dear Six-Packers, I will make the sacrifice. No need to thank me.

Anyway, while recovering my son convinced me to go see the movie Star Trek with him. Now, my first thought was "No." and then my second thought was "Hell no." but then I gave in and said "Fine, but I am not sharing my popcorn with you, you Sci-Fi weirdo." to which my son replied, "You never share your popcorn anyway you selfish woman." and then I hugged him because he is just so damn cute.

So we went, and let me tell you ladies... this is a FABULOUS movie! I had never seen one episode of the old Star Trek on TV-and seeing this movie does not make me want to go back and watch all 56 million episodes of it either, but I will say this-the movie was honestly and truly really freakin' good.

And it has hot men in it.

Good enough for me.

So, for today, I thought I would make us a little nerdy-a little geeky-a little sci-fi weird and bring you the men of the NEW and IMPROVED Star Trek.

Now... will someone please wake me when they decide to remake Bonanza? I have some GREAT ideas for the casting director!

Uhm.... can anyone pic out what is wrong with this picture? Why in the world is his belt off-center? I can't stand it! I need to straighten it out... or, why don't we just take it off? Yes, I think that is the better option.

Oh Chris Pine, you are a sultry one aren't you? Yes you are.... Sultry.

Nothing left to say but "Beam me up Scotty." Oh yes... beam me the hell up!

Okay, I have to admit that the Spock ears freaked me out a bit---and what was up with Spock's eyebrows? It was almost too much for me to handle during the movie-knowing that Zachary Quinto is so unbelievably swoonworthy and they had to sci-fi him all up and make him into a alien from some other planet that I can't even remember what the name of it is (because I don't care)... but, as you can see, the man is H.O.T. that is right... he is so hot that I have to put the air conditioner on in the Six-Pack. Phew!

Could you imagine the marks that scruff would leave on your body? Swoon.

Are you kidding me? Look at him when he laughs! Talk about a smile that travels all the way up to his eyes. Lord have mercy. Live long and prosper is right.

Okay, Eric Bana is the hottest bad guy in the history of bad guys. The anger alone makes me want to run away from him just so's he'd hunt me down and capture me.

I mean, look at him.... yummy.

Yes, yes, yes... you are swoonworthy Mr. Bana, but I still like you bald, angry and with ink all over your face. Capture me and make me your slave-PLEASE!

Karl Urban plays the Doctor in the movie-and let me tell you ladies, he can doctor me any day... all day. Cheers to THAT!

Oh my gosh-how do men look like this? I mean, do they go to a "how to stand and make women drool over you" school or something? If there is a school like that-Karl would have been valedictorian for sure. Yep.

Oh don't look at me like that... okay fine, look at me like that all you want. It makes me feel all squishy inside and I like it, oh yes, I like it a lot!

If they keep this up I may just find out when the next Star Trek convention is in my hometown and dress up as Uhura... which I had to laugh out loud when I heard her name for the first time because I thought they were saying A-whore-a, but what do I know-I am not a sci-fi geek... at least not yet.

Zachary Quinto could make me whatever he wants to make me and if he wants to wear pointy ears and ask me to be A-whore-a, well I may just take a loooong haaaard look at this sci-fi stuff.

To boldly go where no other Six-Packer has gone before. Oh yeah.

*You can relax mother... I did not have plastic surgery, I am not in rehab and I am not in jail-but if you could send $500 that would be GREAT!

Blogging Break Open Thread...

2009-05-12T17:15:00.007-04:00

Listen folks... life is a bit hairy right now and I need a break. Just a little one-maybe I'll be back in an hour-maybe I'll be back in a week. We'll see. I just need to rest my eyes for a bit.

No worries... The Six-Pack will be back on track in no time.

In the meantime-if you have something you want to say, put it in the comments and we'll see where it goes from there.

Smell ya later! And for you men out there... yes, it is illegal.

Kickin' It Old School Swoon...

2009-05-11T00:29:00.011-04:00

Back when I started the Six-Pack, I was a calm and civil stay-at-home mom who thought I could just go through life talking about breast feeding and how to cut a birthday cake the proper way... and then I woke the hell up and decided to get real with life and with you all. It has been a gradual process... one in which I am sure I have lost some readers and gained some really cool ones along the way. I still have not even touched the tip of the iceberg on who I am and who june cleaver is... we are one in the same but separate. She is the ying to my yang-or rather the drunk to my sober.

Anyway, somewhere along the way I started throwing random pics of my first love Matthew McConaughey on the Six-pack. It became a running joke amongst the mens around here and Cousin Steve even perfected his Matthew McConaughey impersonation for me. People would send me news articles about him and pictures when they came across them.

I loved it.

I became convinced that Matthew was reading this blog because there was a time that if you googled his name, you would come up with my blog so if he is as self centered as I hope and pray that he is... well then he would have read me and developed a secret crush on me. Hey-this is my blog, I can believe whatever I want to believe.

Well, eventually I started to let my eyes wander. Yes, I swoon-cheated on Matthew. I started to post pics of other men. It all started with my Christmas gift to you all when I posted all of your swoons of choice.

So when Matthew and I have to go to trial for custody over this blog, I will site the Six-Packers as the reason why I strayed. Why I started looking at other swoons and couldn't keep my fingers off the clicker to find random pics of "men with their shirts off" or "hot men who make me freakin' scream in ecstasy" on google. God I love google.

But, this weekend I was reminded of my first swoon. I was given the opportunity to walk down lovers swoon lane again and say "Ya know... I think I may just really really like you again."

I went to see the movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It is shit-don't go see it, unless of course you are going for all the right reasons and those reasons all have to do with a certain Matthew McConaughey that made me sigh out loud and giggle like a school girl in my seat.

Oh yes ladies, the man is back. The reason for the swoon has returned. The one that made it all begin. The one who taught me that it is Okay to swoon over men who are so hot that they make me blush when I slap them on the ass.

Yep.

Today I give you all Matthew...all day. If you don't like it, tough shit. This is the one that started the swoon so show some respect. (hehe... I sounded so tough there didn't I?) That last sentence was for Soliliquy who is having a BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday Chicka-have some beefcake.

Enjoy-and Matthew if you are reading this... you are welcome. Don't worry about those other fellas like Robert Pattinson, Gerard Butler, or even Christian Bale (who I once said had replaced you in my heart of swoons) they mean nothing to me baby... NOTHING! Well, nothing until next Monday-but enjoy your day big guy. You lucky bastard.

.
Is is just me or does anyone else feel the urge to just bite that butt? I mean, just sink your teeth right in? Phew... I am so hungry right now.
.

Ugh-look at how cool he is... it is like we are on a long trip across country-just me and him and we are filling up at the gas station and on his way to pay for the gas he turns around and leans against the post and yells "Hey june baby... what do you want on your hot dog?" which he wouldn't ask me because I don't eat meat... but it is a nice fantasy isn't it?

So help me God if I ever find that dog I am going to let it sleep in my bed... because I am an animal lover. Yep.

Oh Matthew... you know I would go anywhere with you-that smile, that "come hither" gesture with your hand. Where do you want to go? To the corner store for some bubble gum and Cheetos? Okay-lemme get my flip flops.

Hi baby... tell me about your day.

And you wonder why I made him my first swoon. It was worth it-not one single regret. Nope. He was fantastic!

And... AND... he does yoga. We are soul swoon mates I tell you.

Here, let me help you peel yourself out of those wet clingy clothes. Can I be your assistant? Can I be the hose holder?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury... this last photo just proves to me that Matthew McConaughey reads the Six-Pack and loves me... why else would he display such a flagrant expression of his love for me. I am almost embarrassed by his devotion-I mean... he is just SCREAMING my name practically. Ireland and Matthew-two of my favorite loves.

Sigh.

It is so nice to get back to your roots every once in a while isn't it?

Me and God love Matthew McConaughey-in all of his BO smelling, naked bongo playing, having a baby with another woman, Texas drawl, big smilin, just livin, alright alright alright ways.

Mmmm Mmmmm Good.

Happy Ma's Day

2009-05-10T13:21:00.001-04:00

HEY MA!

Happy Mother's Day!

Those Who Live In Those Damn Glass Houses...

2009-05-07T23:25:00.004-04:00

Today I read two different news stories that made me laugh... I had to share.

The first is about a mother (who is a Lawyer-meaning she is edjumacated) who was so sick and tired of listening to her girls argue in the backseat (prolly about important things like what my children argue about--world peace and a cure for cancer) that she pulled the car to the side of the road, tossed their little butts out and drove off.

That is right.

Can I get a "Hell Ya!"

Well, you can imagine what happened next... some goody-two-shoes saw this and thought this mother was a horrible creature and called the police. This goody-two-shoes also lives in a house with perfectly green grass and only has cats-no children-just cats. At least nine of them.

Anyway-the mother wound up in court-yep, court.

My mother left me on the Dan Ryan once because I said the word "shit." Not exactly a true story-but close enough. I also had to walk home from school if I missed the bus-can you believe THAT???? And... AND... she once told me to not tell anyone she was my mother when I was walking out of the house one mooring before school because I apparently did not have my hair brushed. Whatever. Then there was the time that my mother smacked the junk out of me right in front of our Parish Priest because I was not where I said I would be and she had to put down her glass of wine and come looking for me... I am sure I was at the library or even in Church praying, but that is beside the point. My mother has a clean record people. Times have obviously changed.

The point is this... the girls only had to walk 3 stinking miles home-and the mom was just going around the block and picking them back up... until some goody-two-shoes had to step in and abduct one of the girls-yes, I said ABDUCT! If anyone should be arrested it is that woman with all the cats who took the girl in the middle of a mother's life lesson to her children.

Sheesh!

The next story is one that reminds me of my children and I even received a few emails from people asking me if I had a missing toddler for a little while there and just did not realize it because I am a drunk. Pffft. I know where my children are at all times folks-and when I start drinking at 3 pm I put little dog collars on them with bells so I can really keep an eye and a ear on them. I am responsible.

I am sure you have heard this one about the little 3 year old who unlocked the door to his parents mobile home and wandered off while his mother was on the phone.

Damn kids when a mom gets on the phone! It is like they have a little trigger in their brain that makes them do naughty things when the phone rings and mom has to take two minutes out of her day to talk to her friend Betty down the street who just found out her husband was sleeping with the waitress at the local IHOP and Betty does not know if she can afford the rent on their double wide of if she is going to actually have to move into a single across the street.

Can you imagine?

Anyway, this little guy-whose father runs a SURVIVAL TRAINING SCHOOL no less-wandered around the Woods for 52 hours with just a t-shirt and pull up on.

Sounds like a vacation to me, but what do I know.

I don't know what happened once the little boy was reunited with mom and dad but I can tell you that if it were one of my children, I would be in court next month for spanking my child on National Television.

I can't wait to see this kid in high school. Write down his name mothers-do not let your daughter date him. He will have the greatest pick up lines ever, the best being "I looked death in the eye at the early age of 3 and survived... I don't need a condom!"

Lord help us all.

And... for God sake if you have the sniffles you do NOT have the Swine Flu or Pig Cold or Hog Headache or Sow Shits. Just take some allergy medicine.

Oh... and one last thing:

Enjoy your Friday ladies!

Freakin' Whiners...

2009-05-06T11:51:00.012-04:00

Okay... who writes this blog? Do you write this blog? Do you? Huh? Do you?

No....

But, I always try to make everyone happy.

It is a vice of mine.

So I try my darndest to find the best Swoon pics out there... but EVERY MOTHER LOVING MONDAY there is someone who is not happy.

"That swoon was wonderful June... but could you maybe read my mind next time and put so-and-so on there?"

and even...

"WTF June! Where in God's great earth is so-and-so? I can't believe you forgot them!"

The nerve of me.

Yesterday I was in a bad mood-I mean, it was one of those bad moods that make children, small animals and men run in the other direction when they see me coming.

It was so bad, that I was "shuush'd" by my yoga instructor on more than one occasion because I was mumbling to myself about "life" and "crap" and "who does he think he is?" and "who needs clean underpants anyway." type of things.

I had a really bad muscle ache in my upper back as well that made me even more pissed off. The nerve of my body to declare war on my mind by starting my menstrual cycle AND having a pulled muscle that made is hard for me to breathe.

Sure that pulled muscle may or may not have come from a fall that I may or may not have had this past weekend at a bar where I may or may not have had Southern Comfort shots with Coke chasers (4 or 5 of em) but that is irrelevant.

Anyway, I come home to be greeted by my little cyber blogging friend Soliloquy telling me that I have LOST MY EDGE because I missed out on Wentworth Miller.... and then Warren said he would become GAY for Wentworth Miller! Holy Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Batman!

So here... just because I love you and I have not lost my edge-I give you two whiners Wentworth (what mother names their kid Wentworth?) I admit... he is kinda cute-in a freakin' hot kind of way.

And Aunt Barb had issue with the fact that Daughtry was not on the list... but he made it last week and I try not to duplicate two weeks in a row (unless you are Matthew McConaughey, Bruce Willis, Gerard Butler, or Robert "he loves me" Pattinson)

But since I love my Aunt Barb and she always looks at me and smiles in a way that makes me feel all warm, fuzzy and loved, I will give her a little Daughtry to make her smile.

That's the kind of girl I am.

Nice... but with a freakin' edge, so in the future, if you do not like the Monday Swoon-by all means let me know about it. It will give me something to bitch and moan about and we all know that if I don't have something to bitch and moan about-well, I just ain't havin' any fun then am I?

And "Southern MN Gal" since you were so sweet to thank me for the bald Edward Norton-and you did mention that it was your BIRTHDAY... no one gets by the Six-Pack on their birthday without a little present from me.

Enjoy! Nothing like a bald man in the middle of the street in his boxers wielding a gun. Just makes you all happy inside doesn't it?

I Swooned So Hard I Think I May Have Pulled Something...

2009-05-04T14:18:00.014-04:00

I realize that Monday is half way over and I have yet to get to the Monday Swoon. I apologize-but I have been thinking long and hard about this swoon, especially since Jenny mentioned the eschewing of shampoo in some swoonworthy men.
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I understand that-Robert Pattinson does look like he needs to wash his hair from time to time... but sometimes a dirty boy is the best kind to have. A-hem.

And since it is spring, I have been thinking of another kind a swoon. A mechanical swoon actually-oh, now... don't go there. Not what I am talking about. Sheesh. I am talking about the amount of motorcycles I have seen on the roads since the weather broke and I was able to dig out my flip flops and shorts.

So for today's swoon, I thought I would go both ways-bald men and motorcycles. Men with clean scalps and dirty minds and motorcycles with greasy engines and dirty riders.

Phew.

Enjoy ladies-let the bad girl in you out... you know you want to hop on the back of a bike and just ride off into the sunset.

I don't know who he is... but dayum.

Let's start the bald man swoon off with my favorite bald man shall we? Oh Bruce, you had me at yippee ki yay mother f$%#&^!

Jason Stratham... not 100% bald but we will let him in on today's Swoon for the simple fact that he is Bri-ish and Hot.

And... if you have not seen the movie Crank, well I suggest you go buy yourself a six-pack, order a pizza and rent this flik. It is fast-paced awesome. Before you know it the movie will be over, the beer will be gone and you will have eaten all of a pizza and say to yourself, "What just happened here?" Jason Stratham is what happened... oh yea.

Edward Norton... I know-but just look at him.

I don't know if it is the bald head, the scowl or the prison bars behind him that makes me swoon so much. Admit it-a hot man in prison can be secretly swoony.... shhhhhhh.

I have never been sure if I liked Billy Zane or not. He sometimes freaks me out-and is a little "off" on certain things--but that is one smooth head he has there....

And this photog reminds me that I don't really give a crap if they are weird or "off" because HELLO... it is all about the swoon, not a lifelong commitment. (Six-Pack disclosure)

Ahhh Vin, dear sweet stupid Vin. We know you are stupid, I am sorry to say it... but honey, you are, but you are HOT, so we forgive you. But, sometimes it is hard to forgive a man for being stupid-I mean, what would we TALK ABOUT?

Who gives a crap what we would talk about.... what were we talking about anyway? I mean seriously... I am at a loss for words, and I am not sure I could even read a picture book right now. My brain is mush and I like it... that is right... I LIKE IT!

And to close out this Monday's Swoon, we are going to have these dirty boys growl past us making the road vibrate all the way up our bodies. Yep. Bring it on baby. Rev those engines for the Six-Pack.

Mercy.

No Blood Test Required... They Are Mine

2009-05-02T14:15:00.002-04:00

I love Saturdays in the Spring... why? Because of ball games of course. I love to watch Aaron play like he is a man-I swear to God that they look like the majors out there.

I really love to watch Hope because she reminds me so much of myself when I was her age-a real smart ass, pain in the butt, know-it-all, who has the gumption to back up her attitude. Come to think of it... I am not sure I ever grew out of that stage.

Today as I sat in the stands and watched my daughter saunter up to home plate in order to bat and I had to chuckle at her arrogance. She is intimidating in all 5 foot 2 inches of her bad self. She puts her right hand up to the Ump letting him know that she is not ready and everyone needs to wait for her. I love that move-I patented that move when I was her age.

The pitcher throws the ball across the plate and it is down at her ankles. Hope looks at the pitcher and laughs. She is such a little shit.

The next pitch comes across at the same place only this time the catcher screams "SWING" at Hope just as it is going across the plate. Hope backs out of the batters box and puts her hand on her hip and says "I don't swing at bad pitches, your pitcher needs to give me something I can hit."

To which the catcher says something and then Hope says something until the Umpire has to tell them to tone it down or they will be going home.

Now, at this point, most moms would be in the stands either calling the Umpire a blind bat or burying their heads in their hands... but I don't do either of these things. My Hope can take care of herself, she does not need me to defend her or to be embarrassed by her. I know this because she is confidently arrogant-just like I was.

I turned out alright right? RIGHT?

I know where this spitfire comes from and I blame mine on my little sister and my father. My father because I am exactly like him and I know this because I have seen him throw rocks at neighbors and get in altercations over parking spaces. A-hem. I blame my little sister because she was a big WIMP growing up and she was cute as a button and mean girls liked to pick on her and she would come running to me and I would go defend her the best way I knew how-by calling them names and beating them up.

I have since resolved my anger issues.... but I still have that little devil on my shoulder that tells me I am one bad ass. I like him-I think I'll keep him.

Yep, there is no doubt that Hope is my daughter. She is also kind and smart and a wonderful big sister... which have always been the reasons why I have wondered if she was switched at birth. Thank God her attitude shines through and I can smell her arrogance coming a mile away.

God love her and God help anyone who gets in her way.

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Not A Booger... A BLOGGER!

2009-05-01T18:12:00.002-04:00

Courtesy of the amazing Aunt Barb...

Enjoy your Friday!

As God Is My Witness... I Will Defend The Mighty Swoon!

2009-04-30T08:54:00.005-04:00

For those seasoned veterans of the Six-Pack, you will know who I am talking about when I say the words "Stupid Fat Hobbit."

My friend Patrick.

He is like Cousin Steve... a pain in my ass. Which by the way, Cousin Steve is feeling soooo much better-something about a med that finally worked for the big lump on top of his head. He is about 75% back to being his normal hilarious self-although last night when I called him and said "My smoke detector is beeping at me making the dog freak out and poop in the baby's room!" he said "Yeah, well I can't get my remote to work and now I have to have my wife change the channels on the TV-you think YOU got problems?"

Anyway...

For those of you who are "new" to the Six-Pack, you may not know Patrick for the simple fact that he is a lazy blogger. He never updates his blog and he seems to think there are more important things out there (like moving across the country, working, blah blah blah) than blogging.

I met Patrick when we lived in Virginia and our spouses worked together... or if you want to get technical, when his wife (Pokey) was my husband's (Ward) boss. Patrick and I met at a Christmas party where I squeezed my size 10 post baby body into a size 8 dress and he took a picture for proof and then posted it on his blog.

I know! It was horrible.

Now that I am a size 4-6 do you see any pics of me floating around his blog? Nope. Sheesh.

Anyway...

Patrick has the right combination of weirdo and smartassidry (to use one of our mascot FlyNavy's made up words) to be one of my friends. He cracks me up and the mere fact that he is a good Cat-lic boy makes him endearing.

But...

It has come to my attention that he is evil and must be destroyed.

So I must destroy him.

It was good knowing you Patrick.

I hope you don't have to spend much time in Purgatory for what you did... but if I were God.... you would be there long after I have left and entered the Pearly Gates of Heaven and you and I both know that I am going to set up shop in Purgatory-we both know that I am going to be there for so long that they may even change the name to Juneatory.

So go on over and see what Stupid Fat Hobbit did on his blog.

Go see what he thought he could get away with.

Go see the way he is showing complete and utter disrespect to the Monday Swoon-the Tuesday Tease-the Wednesday Woah-the Thursday Thicket-the Friday Fancy, the Saturday Sexy and the Sunday... wait, I don't post on Sunday.

Hmm... those are all really good names aren't they? If life ever gets too busy and I can't think of words to fill this blog-I'll just use those ideas right up there. I am so brilliant.

While you are over at Hobbit's place, tell him what a cruel person he is. He loves that kind of shit.

And then spit on the sidewalk and turn around three times, flip off your bathroom scale and say it loud and proud... "Patrick! We just F^%#ed you up!"

Defend the Swoon ladies... defend the swoon.

.

You Can Tell A Lot By A Picture...

2009-04-29T08:32:00.005-04:00

If a picture really does speak a thousand words-this one would have hit us each on the head with a perfect personality description.

Carl Jung would have a field day with my family.

What do you suppose this picture says:

I know what it is saying to ME... what is it saying to YOU?

Deep Thoughts With June Cleaver...

2009-04-28T10:51:00.004-04:00

In my constant search of the Internet... I came across this video. It intrigued me and I eventually made my way over to the web site.

It got me a' thinkin'

What does one do when they are in search of themselves?

What do you do?

I could see walking across the Nation like Forest Gump did. I mean, could you imagine the alone time? The moments of reflection and inner growth?

The blisters?

And when we are in search for ourselves, do we ever really find what we are looking for?

If you could walk from one point to another-what would be your point A and what would be your point B?

My point A would be this house... and my point B would be Ireland.

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Imagine the people I would meet along the way.

Could you as a person really do this... walk from one point to another alone-with only your thoughts to entertain you? Maybe I would take my iPod.

I could.

I enjoy being a hermit at times.

Imagine the leg muscles you would develop.

Wow.

So.... where would you walk if you could? Where would you go to find yourself? What would be the song you played over and over again on your Nano?

I would play Wave on Wave by Pat Green.... just because I enjoy a good groovin'

Sigh... Is It Monday Already?

2009-04-27T10:14:00.014-04:00

Phew! What a weekend! My little sister and her hubby came out for the weekend. They flew their plane-yes, their plane. Their little baby Ainsley says "Fly with Daddeeeee." Be jealous if you want-it is easy to be jealous of their precious trio-a trio that is becoming a quartet in Sept. Claire thinks it may be a little boy. If that is the case she has always liked the name "Daniel" but she is stuck on a middle name. I suggested "Craig" for obvious reasons.

Just because it is Monday and I love the Tudors. It may not be historically accurate... but who really gives a crap.

Just because it is Monday and I drank a little too much on Saturday and felt a little groggy all day Sunday and wanted to just take a nap on the couch...

Just because it is Monday and he is hot... and I ate so much food with my sister that I may or may not have gained 5 lbs. in three days flat. It is a new personal record.

Just because it is Monday and my oldest received her Confirmation this weekend. Uncle Ryan was her sponsor and he has a keen ability to make little eighth grade girls giggle and little eighth grade boys squirm. Anyway... I heart Father Jon, but not in a "Thornbirds" sort of way.

Just because it is Monday and the weather was warm and the parks were packed with shirtless men playing ultimate Frisbee, sand volleyball and baseball. Who ever thought of the phrase "Shirts or Skins" was one smart woman.

Just because it is Monday and I love baseball.

Just because it is Monday and I miss football.

Just because it is Monday and we went to listen to a friend's band play on Saturday night and the lead singer looks a lot like Daughtry. Nice. Red stood me up-thanks a lot Red!

Just because it is Monday and at one point in the evening on Saturday my brother-in-law said "Is that Harry Connick Jr?" and all of the women at the table got whiplash turning our heads around to see what he was talking about.... he was talking about the song that was playing-but he could have been talking about the actual HCJ. We weren't taking our chances.

Just because it is Monday and there is something about a dirty bald man that makes me forget that it is Monday. Sigh.

Just because it is Monday and I think Eminem's new song is just about the funniest thing out there right now. I would link to it-but I am having a hard time doing that because of Father Jon up there...

Just because it is Monday and every Six-Pack needs a mascot. Oh yeah. You all know I am an Air Force wife... but sometimes you have to give props to the boys who fly in the Navy.

Enjoy the week ladies... I feel a give away coming on for next week's Swoon. What it can be is a secret-because I haven't figured that part out yet. It is Monday after all.

What Every Girl Needs...

2009-04-23T00:01:00.001-04:00

Friends.

Every woman needs friends, and I am not talking about the friends that you have because you have children the same age and you are thrown together in the ballet waiting room or the side of the baseball field... no, I am talking about those friends that you can call in the middle of the night and say "I think I may have just shit my pants." and they will calmly and evenly respond, "Well... do you have your good panties on and did you have corn for dinner?" and then you respond, "No-I think someone is in my backyard about to come in and kill and rape me-I just know it..." and they will say, "Are we talking Ted Bundy-good looking-killer or Charles Manson-holy hells bells ugly-killer?" and eventually you are in a discussion about Lifetime movies and whether or not you should wax or shave your unmentionables and you have forgotten about the frightening person on your back deck that does not exist.

I have made mention before that I have a very small circle of friends that I consider my true blues. You know who you are... and I love you, but today I am going to talk about my friend Lisa.

Lisa is my soul twin-no lying on this one. We get each other and there is something so cerebrally satisfying to know that there is actually another person in this world that thinks the same warped things that you do about many quirky habits.

The funny thing about Lisa is that as much as we are alike, we are polar opposites... for instance, she has great big titties, and I don't. She is a liberal, and I am not. She may or may not believe in God, and God is the reason I get up every morning and sift through this life. She has brown hair, I have blonde. She is short, I am tall. She is funny... oh wait-we do have that in common.

We are both health nuts... I am a vegetarian-but Lisa is a carnivore. Lisa only buys organics at Whole Foods and then I bust her by calling her in the middle of the day and listening to her talk through mouthfuls of food and I say "What are you eating?" and she will say "Shut up, leave me alone." and I'll say "Step away from the Suzie-Q!" Thank goodness we both agree that alcohol is good for you... but you should never drink Heineken because it is the only beer with formaldehyde in it, unless of course it is the beer on special for $1.00, but thankfully, that is usually a crappy Bud Lite so we are safe.

Why am I thankful for Lisa? Because she refuses to let me sulk in my bad moods. She insists I get up off of my rear and sweat my urine through my skin in yoga class. She drags me out of my doldrums and listens to me, gives me a hug, smacks me on the ass and says "Go forth and be happy young grasshopper."

She also has a stocked liquor cabinet. Sweet.

Everyone should have a Lisa like my Lisa in their life. A friend that will keep calling you even when you don't return phone calls for six months and say "Hey! Let's go out and get so drunk we get in a fight, puke and eventually wonder how we traded clothes in the middle of the night."

I hope you have a Lisa. A person who can look at you and know your faults and love you in spite of them-or rather... love you even more because of them.

Aliens Violated Cousin Steve...

2009-04-22T09:07:00.005-04:00

I have not mentioned Cousin Steve lately... so I thought I would go behind his back and make fun of him today. He loves that kind of thing.

Steve and I are buds-compadres-soul friends-siblings from separate diblings... and he is a pain in my ass. A boil on my butt and a splinter in my spleen.

Speaking of spleens... did you know his is enlarged? Yep-so is his head, but that is another story for another time.

Steve is heading to Northwestern this morning... for those of you non-Chicago people, that means that Steve is heading to the Big Game-the place where they will poke him, prod him and experiment on him until they figure out just what is wrong with him.

He doesn't feel good. He can't get through a day without pain and we are not talking the kind of pain that I go through a day (like-which shoes I wear? Flip flops or flip flops) no, Steve is in so much pain that all I can do is try and make him laugh when we talk-because laughter is the best medicine and he makes me laugh out loud through my tears and I can only hope to do the same for him.

I suggested that maybe aliens have abducted him and that is why he is having these problems. You all laugh now-but wait until they pull some 10 foot communicating device from his butt and then who will be laughing? Huh? Freakin' aliens.

Last night Steve called while I was at Hot Yoga. I saw his call as soon as I was out and so I zipped him a phone call back-which I know Steve loves when I call him when I am at my most hyper of the day... which is generally 24 hours a day, but after a work out my endorphins are a ragin' and I am especially hyper-giddy-loud-abusive-funny-and a damn good time in general.

During our phone conversation it all suddenly hit me. I know exactly why Steve is sick and I know exactly what he needs to do to get better...

I told him-in my best "LIFE IS GREAT" voice that he needed to stop eating meat, start drinking more water, and start doing yoga.

He called me a witch and hung up on me.

I called back and after convincing him that our phone call was not being recorded by the government and I was not a terrorist, he told me I could take my hot yoga and shove it where the sun don't shine... which on Steve is anywhere below his big fat head.

Sigh.

I just want him to get better-or at least to figure out why he is not feeling good. Those docs up at Northwestern need to know that if they do not help him they will have a rather small spitfire of a blonde woman knocking on their door and letting them see first hand what june cleaver means when she says (say it with me six-packers...) I will f*&$ you up!

Damn straight.

In the meantime... please toss up a peace sign to the Big Guy in the Sky for Steve today. He is a guinea pig and unless he ain't being served up with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, it is not fun to be a guinea pig.

Say a prayer-thank God for Steve from me and ask Him to lay His Healing Hands on my cousin, who is so much more to me than a cousin.

Thanks.

So This Is How Crazy People Live...

2009-04-21T05:47:00.002-04:00

4:30 AM and I am up. Wide awake and exhausted. How does this happen? How is it possible that so many thoughts can be floating through my little brain at such a rate that they not only make me wake up every 40 minutes or so, but also makes me wake up before the sunrises, fully alert and ready to go find a baseball bat and clobber the Sandman?

Sigh.

I can't be PMSing because I am about to ovulate... so I am unable to even blame my mood on mother nature.

Is is because of Spring? I don't think so, I love being able to strip off the sweatshirts and wear a tank top and feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulders. It makes me smile-it brings me happiness... so surely my mood is not that cause of Spring. I mean, I don't even have allergies so I can enjoy the bursting of flowers to the fullest... just not at 4:30 in the morning.

Last night I tried to wear myself out a bit... and what do I do when I am feeling down? I dance. That is right... I dance.

I plugged my iPod into my ears and jumped around like a teenager on American Bandstand. My children stared at me, laughed at me, and eventually joined in... but eventually I retreated to my bedroom, closed the door and continued to dance.

I am such a goof. What kind of woman dances alone on a Monday night?

One that has so many thoughts rolling around in her head that she can't help herself I suppose.

Wanna know my song list last night? It was a doozy-considering that I am a Rock Star (Chad Kroeger told me I was and I believe him) I tried to dance to some Theory of a Deadman (Bad Girlfriend is just about the best song out there right now... but don't listen to it if you went to confession in the last year-you'll have to go again) but it was just not working for me, so I switched to Club Music... Pop songs even. I know-I am just as shocked as you, but when my mother and father came together in the name of love and made me, I received all of my mother's dancing abilities and I can tear up the dance floor like nobody's business. I love to dance-my sisters love to dance too... we love to dance together, which reminds me that my little sister and her hubby are coming out this weekend and we are going out on Saturday night and DANCING! Well... I will be dancing-moving and shaking-twisting and twirling... I am not sure if Claire will dance seeing as she is pregnant and I seriously doubt her husband will dance considering he is, well... not a dancer.

Anyway-my mind erasing song list was as follows:

Round the Bend by The Great Divide (yes, it is even country-but I love it so much that I play it over and over and over again in my ears. I just don't know why.)

When I Grow Up by the Pussycat Dolls. (how embarrassing... especially when they say that wanted boobies.)

Let's Get it Started by the Black Eyed Peas (just try and not move when you hear this song. I dare ya.)

Leavin' by Jesse McCartney (I like how he calls her "baby girl" although I don't know what a "lady raid?" is or what in the world "flyin' on the G5" means.)

Beautiful by Akon (when I hear this song I pull up only one of my pant legs and giggle when he says "can I be your baby father" and whoever thought of calling a woman a "shorty" is a genius.)

Keeps Gettin' Better by Christina Aguilera (it is my theme song... love when she says "serve it up in a shot and suck it up like a man. Damn straight.)

Just Dance by Laddy GaGa. I know-I couldn't help myself.

I closed out the set with Seether's "Fake It" just to reassure you all that I am still a Rock star-nothing like a little headbanging to get all of that Pop funk off of me.

Even now, as I am sitting here with my iPod in my ears I have the urge to get up-move a little-escape this mood.

What do you do to escape a mood? Have any homeopathic remedies I can try? Acupuncture? Shopping? Give me your therapy for blowing the stink off of yourself... I can use all the help I can get because I am getting tired of knowing what 4:30 AM looks like.

Hair Swoon... Get Your Hair Swoon Here...

2009-04-20T00:01:00.001-04:00

I try very hard to guide my children in all aspects of life, and my main goal is to help them on their way to heaven of course. With the little ones, I try and help them get through the day without coloring on the walls or getting bubble gum in the dog's fur. With my son I try and get him through the day without taking any trips to the emergency room or the police station... but with my oldest daughter, I try really hard to get her through the day with the most important lessons of all.

Swoons.

Now, you may be saying "June! How can you be teaching your daughter about swoons? You are a horrible, despicable, incomprehensible mother!" and to all of that I say... yeah, SO?

You see... I had to teach my daughter about Rock and Roll or she would be destined to love silly boy bands like The Jonas Brothers (gag) which, sadly I will admit that she does love them and she is actually going to their concert this summer (the third time she will be seeing them in concert-I know, it pains me as well) but I am happy to say that next to all of those bubble gum songs on her iPod, she also has some Nickelback, Saving Able and Theory of a Deadman (oh, relax, she is only allowed the PG songs-none of the ones that talk about pants around your ankles or any of the other really REALLY good ones.)

And I have finally convinced her that Harley Davidson Motorcycles are sooo much better than those "crotch rocket" motorcycle types that all of the half-baked-fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants-and-you-can't-trust-them boys like to race around town in.

But there is one area that I just cannot sway her on. Hair. Yes, hair. She likes hair on boys. I am talking lots of hair-surfer hair, long hair, sprayed, coiffed, hi-lited and styled hair.

Where did I go wrong I ask you? I knew today that I would never be able to convince her to like a nice buzz cut or a clean cut crop (which is what I really like even if I do say that Robert Pattinson's hair drives me crazy-so crazy that it is hair porn for me.... but I digress).

This evening we went out for dinner and as we were leaving my daughter, being the good and obedient oldest sibling, took little 2-year-old Mary into her arms and carried her across the parking lot to put her in her car seat (without even being asked... see Ma, Rock and Roll does not make a teenager's brain explode.) As she was cradling the baby in her arms and walking, a boy-a teenage boy with long, flowing, thick, surfer dude, swiped to the side of his head hair walked past her. He watched her. He smiled at her. He even flipped his head to the side so that his greatest attribute-his lovely locks-would flip and fall perfectly into a certain disheveled place that gave him an effortless coolness about him. I couldn't help but smile because I knew my daughter's heart was pounding... and I also gave that boy a dirty look that said "Back off buster-you do not want to mess with that sweet little girl up there or I will F&^% you up! That is right! I am June Cleaver and I will F^%^ you up!" I am so amazed at how I can convey that entire sentence with just a single glance... I am that good at being a mom.

I climbed into the car and looked at my daughter and she was scowling at me. What did I do?

Daughter: "Mother! I can't believe you have so many children and I am carrying one when a cute boy smiles at me!"

Me: "What? It is not my fault! Talk to your father."

Daughter: "He probably thought that Mary was mine... or worse! He probably thought that we are part of a cult of something!"

Me: "Hey-I hear cults are all the rage now-a-days, you need to read your Tiger Beat more."

Daughter: "He was cute.... (sigh, swoon, sigh again) did you see his hair? I wonder how old he is. I wonder if he can drive."

Me: (rolling my eyes so hard that I can see the back of my brain)"Well, considering he was driving that big red pick up (okay, I will admit that pick ups are cool) I bet he is at least 16... and he is here with his Grandma-who probably owns the pick up-unless of course that is his girlfriend... maybe he is into older ladies, but he is too old for you and he has too long of hair." (I threw that last remark about the hair in there to tick her off... and the grandma dating remark just purely to gross her out.)

Daughter: "His hair was perfect." (notice how she ignored my grandma dating remark... she is good.)

Me: "Yeah... too bad he thinks you have a baby."

Daughter "MOTHER!"

And then I laughed the rest of the way home...

So to make it up to my hair-loving daughter, I am going to put youngsters with hair on the Monday Swoon.

Lord help me.

Are you even old enough to vote son?

What was I talking about? Hair.... does he even have hair? I can't see it.

Mirror Mirror on the wall... scoot over so my boyfriend can see himself and borrow my hairbrush and mouse and gel and hair spray... and has anyone seen my teeth whitener?

This is the worst of all... my daughter has this joker on her bedroom wall. She is Team Jacob. I know... I am embarrassed. Look at his hair! Can you imagine what the drain in the shower looks like when he is done? Ugh-gross.

Okay... fine. Sometimes I understand hair on a man. Sometimes.

*********UPDATE********************UPDATE********************

My apologies ladies... truly. I just reread this post and said WTF Jimmy! So I thought I would put some baldies on the Monday Swoon to remind us wimins that bald is beautiful-it is manly-it is easy to maintain-and it requires no extra primping in front of the mirror. Who wants a man that has to primp in the mirror? Not moi.

The Six-Pack has been schooled.

My apologies to the masses.

T. G. I... WHAT?

2009-04-17T05:06:00.002-04:00

What day is it? Friday? Seriously? How in the HELL did that happen? Wasn't it just Monday and I was apologizing for the lack of a Monday Swoon that turned into a early Tuesday Swoon that turned into a Wednesday birthday Swoon which turned into a "I am an apple, hear me roar" swoonish-kinda-maybe-not-thing-a-ma-jig... and now it is Friday?

Holy Crap.

What happened to this week?

What happened to my life?

Just a few weeks ago I was happy in the laziness of my life that offered me time to blog amazing moments of clarity (go with me on this.... ). I was able to clean my house, organize the bills, play with the chillin's, chat on the phone with my father-my mother-my sisters-my long lost friends, I was able to cook (HAHAHAHA), get a pedicure, maybe shop for some bras, and even write one of the most amazing chapters in the history of book writing that you may never know about because now... NOW... I have no time for anything.

Hot Yoga did this to me I tell you-or maybe it was the burst of Spring that brought with it new activities and schedules.

Yep.

As you know the kids are playing ball-which puts my tiny little hot yoga sitting flesh on a cold hard steel bleachers six days out of the week. That is right... you heard me, SIX DAYS! That is fine though, I don't mind. It would be easier if I knew anything about technology and I could post this blog from my cell phone and tell you about random things I see at the ball parks-which are so humorous that I would get an award or something for mentioning them... but I am too tired by the end of a long day that I forget about all of the colorful people you meet while your rear end is frozen to cold steel.

Have I mentioned hot yoga? Oh yes... I did. You see, I have become addicted-I can't help it. The only set back is that it is a 90 minute class... so that means 90 minutes away from my children to do some soul searching and inward focusing on my own life--which, HELLO!-what mother in their right mind really can do that without feeling completely guilty? Not me... I feel guilty that I am healing my body and starting to look like a FREAKIN' SUPERMODEL in the meantime (okay, there is something completely false about that last sentence... but I am not going to tell you which part-you are smart, you figure it out... meditate on it if you have to.)

I have also been in search of the perfect lawn service for our house... one that is not commercial and can speak mostly English... oh, and one that does not cost an arm and a leg. I just want a couple of people who know how to mow, fertilize, landscape, mulch, toil, weed, germinate, pollinate, edge, and do it with a smile and a "yes ma'am."

Sigh.

The house is also getting painted-I have changed the colors and our painters is such a nice ol' guy that he put all kinds of samples of colors on the side of the house for me to decide which I like better.

I am not good with that kind of thing.

I have to look at it in the sun, in the rain, in the early morning, in the early evening, when the sun is coming up, when the sun is going down, and when I am in a good mood, and when I am in a bad mood... so after a couple weeks of stressing over which shade of BROWN I prefer on the house-I have decided and he will start on Monday-which means I will go over on Monday afternoon and freak out because I'll think I chose the wrong color.

I am cursed.

Not to mention the kids have this whole school thing going on. Ugh-when is it over I ask you? 25 more days and life will be easier right? When they are home 24/7 looking for me to entertain them.... I can't wait! Seriously... I can't wait. Honest. Cross my heart.

Actually, I really can't wait to stop getting up at the crack of dawn and driving them to that building where they learn things and become responsible citizens.

They'll just use that knowledge against me one day-I just know it.

So, today is Friday-which means tomorrow is Saturday and then Sunday and then it is Monday again. Wow! Where did the weekend go? I can only hope that I get a few beers in me sometime between now and the Monday Swoon... or what will be the point really?

And yes, it is 4:30 in the morning on Friday and I am wide awake-hot yoga is making me think too much I think-see, there I go again. It is also making me want to go to bed at 9:30, when I usually don't crawl between the downy fresh sheets until at least 1 a.m. so now I am becoming a early riser instead of a night owl? Wait a minute... that ain't right! I need my night times... for more productive things like watching hulu.com and reading my Entertainment Weekly magazine, which has been sitting on my kitchen table all week with the boys from The Fast and Furious just staring up at me-taunting me.

Freakin' Fridays.

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Apples... Damn Straight!

2009-04-16T15:34:00.002-04:00

Some more words of wisdom from my friend Lori-the queen of wisdom.

Apples

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Some men just don’t have the strength to climb for the good apples at the top, and others are just too lazy.

Some are so hungry for any apple that they settle for the ones that aren’t as good, but are easy to get.

The apples at top think there is something wrong with them, but in reality they are the most amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man, one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree.

Hippo Birdie Red!

2009-04-15T18:47:00.005-04:00

What? Did I hear what I think I heard? It is Red's birthday? Ya don't say....

I told Gerry here and he wants to give you a big ol' kiss

Happy Birthday Red!

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I say we head out to the airport and hang out at the security checkpoints... who knew that air travel could be so entertaining!--or you can meet me next week when my friend's band is playing at the Glacier... I'll buy you a drink! Let's make everyone who doesn't live in Omahaheho jealous that they aren't here... especially Mr. Butler.

All are invited of course... but I am only buying Red's drinks.

Okay Ladies... Settle Down

2009-04-13T22:28:00.017-04:00

Here it is... so you can all stop clicking on this blog every 5 minutes to see if I have done the Monday Swoon yet.

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Sigh. You all are so demanding.

Waughhoo put her request in early for this one. It seems she loves Scottish men... now me being as Irish as Irish can be (oh, there may be other heritage-schmeritage in there... but really, not enough to weaken the Irish blood in me) a Six-Packer may think that I would have a hard time posting some swoon-worthy men from Scotland, but you are forgetting that dear ol' Saint Patrick himself was a Scott... so that makes them good enough for me!

So let's start this off with a bang shall we?

Can we all agree that the best thing about this entire picture... hell, the best thing about this entire post... this entire BLOG, is that skinned up knee?

Don't look at me like that Gerard Butler... you heard me. Yeah, I whispered that in your ear. Oh, don't act so surprised. You know you are up for the challenge.

Damn... I forgot my swimsuit. What? You don't have one on? I don't need one either? Oh Mr. Butler-you are a cheeky fellow... and I've already told you once to stop looking at me like that. I am a married woman. Yes sir. MARRIED. (thanks friend for the pics)

Okay, lets put this to a vote shall we? The young Sean Connery....

Or the older, wiser, been around the block and knows how to parallel park Sean Connery?

Decisions, decisions...

Dougray Scott... so swooney as a good guy, but so swelteringly swoony as a bad guy. Is "swelteringly" a word? Is "swoony" a word? Who cares...

I fell for you Ewan when you did the movie Trainspotting back in the 90's which was such a disturbingly brilliant movie that I couldn't stop watching you... and it doesn't hurt that you have some ink on the right arm of yours.

Don't you just want to take James Mcavoy home, introduce him to mom and dad and bake him a pie? I don't know what it is about him... but the urge bake for this boy is overwhelming.

AND... since this is MY blog and I am willing to always give you Six-Packers what you want, I still have the right to post something that I like...

So here is a Brit for you...

Yes, yes, yes, I know that Gerard Butler beats this vampire with those skinned knees of his up there... but Robert Pattinson is laying in water somewhere and looking at us as if he needs to bite us or he will just go crazy.

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Sigh.

Intro To Monday Swoon...

2009-04-13T11:36:00.003-04:00

Yes, I did remember the Monday Swoon... but I have not been able to get in front of this here computer in a while-but I promise that I have a swoon coming-it may be a Tuesday Swoon, but as God is my witness... there will be a Swoon.

But in the meantime... I'll give you this funny little story, courtesy of my friend Lori-who always finds the funny stuff in life:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the> father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher".

Oh Mercy! Relax-just laugh at it... don't tsk and say "I can't believe June just said that!"

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Forgive Me... I Beg

2009-04-10T12:38:00.002-04:00

Soul of Christ, sanctify me

Body of Christ, save me

Blood of Christ, inebriate me

Water from the side of Christ, wash me

Passion of Christ, strengthen me

O good Jesus, hear me

Within thy wounds hide me

Permit me not to be separated from thee

From the wicked foe defend me

At the hour of my death call me

And bid me come to thee

That with thy saints I may praise thee

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Good Friday, 2009

The Sights... The Sounds... The Smells...

2009-04-09T19:58:00.007-04:00

When I was a kid, my absolute favorite thing about summer was playing softball. I lived for it-I waited for it-and I thought there was nothing better than walking on the field to play.

My husband was also a ball player. We grew up in the same hometown just a few blocks from each other and in this little town, baseball and softball were what summers were made of. As a child I was either playing ball or watching someone play ball. When I would go out with friends, we would always ride our bikes to the ball park to see who was there (which would be everyone) and who was playing (which may have been a boy that I had a crush on).

Our town was small enough that kids were able to ride their bikes to every practice and game. Parents would come later with coolers full of kool-aide and paper cups, and after the game mom and dad would load up the kids' bikes into the back of the station wagon and all of the players would climb in the back of the coaches pick up trucks and the winning teams would chant "WE'RE NUMBER ONE!" all the way to the local ice cream shop where every kid in town would congregate and get their 50 cent ticket to ice cream or candy.

It was the life let me tell you... and I loved every inch of it.

Today, my two oldest children play ball and I wait for it... I live for it... and the only thing better than being out on the field playing is sitting on the bleachers watching one of my kids play.

Aaron loves baseball. He dreams of being a major league baseball player (for the Chicago Cubs of course) and let me tell you... I am sure that is my husband's dream as well. Now that Aaron is 11, it is much more fun to watch his games and practices than when he was in t-ball and we were basically watching paint dry. Today-it is exciting! The boys are like little men out there stealing, sliding, hitting, catching, and yes... spitting sunflower seeds. They have hand signals and they know how to hustle on and off the field.

Last night was Aaron's first baseball practice and I sat in the bleachers watching bursting with pride at my boy who loves baseball. There is nothing more exciting than watching your kid do something they love-something that they feel driven to be good at-and something that you yourself loved to do as a kid.

I am only sad that my husband is not here to coach his boy this season. I know it is tearing him apart having to miss out on the smell of the dirt, the yell of the umpire and yes... the spitting of the sunflower seeds.

Hope loves softball which makes me so excited that I can hardly contain myself. She is good too... she hustles, she is scrappy and she knows all of the good cheers to scream at the other team's pitcher.

Last night was Hope's first softball practice and I sat on the bleachers and watched her, bursting with pride at my girl who loves softball. The sound of the fast pitch whirling in, the crack of the bats and the umpire yelling "You're SAFE!" Just gets me giddy with excitement.

Hope is 14 so the days of us wondering when the inning would be over are through. These girls know what they are doing and they are going to do it until they shove it down your throat. It is exciting, it is raw, and it is everything I love about softball.

I was so proud of Hope last night with her hustle, and I love the fact that Hope actually listens to me when I tell her to run faster, change her batting stance or to keep her eye open because the ball is coming her way. She and I are in synch when it comes to playing ball-and she doesn't think anything of it when I stand in the bleachers and yell "WHAT'R YA PULLING A TRAIN?" to her when she is running the bases.

I am also sad that The Ward is missing softball season this year. Ward has coached Hope every year since she started softball and my heart broke a little when she walked out onto the field without him last night. I know it is tearing him apart to not be here... but when I saw the boys that were hanging out at the field last night checking out the girls who were playing, I thought that this may be a good year for him to miss. God help us all.

Sigh.

Thank the Lord ball season has started again... it's what we Cleavers wait for the other 9 months out of the year... I only hope this year I don't get tossed out of any games for yelling at the umpire (unless of course he is as blind as a bat.)

What Do Stomach Cramps, Diarrhea, and Vomiting Have In Common? Weight Loss... DUH!

2009-04-08T00:37:00.006-04:00

Feeling a little under the weather... could be a stomach bug coming on. If I play my cards right I could lose 5 lbs. with this one.

Eh, it is probably just that dinner of garlic bread I ate. That is the last time I eat the whole loaf-so help me Pepperidge Farms.

Here's hoping for the stomach flu-is it bad to think of weight loss when I am doubled over in pain?

Fingers crossed.

Why? ... And Other Perplexing Questions.

2009-04-07T11:08:00.004-04:00

Why do I gain 5 lbs. of water weight over night when I get my period? What could possibly be happening while I sleep?

Why do these 5 lbs. make me want to jump off a bridge?

Why does my hair look good on days that I have nothing to do and don't leave the house?

Why did the man in front of me at Hot Yoga yesterday think that getting a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on his left calf was a good idea?

How does Burger King make their breakfast biscuits so good?

Why do I only want these breakfast biscuits when I am on my period?

Why does the drive-thru girl at Burger King get irritated with me when I ask for a plain biscuit every morning for a week out of every month?

How do Velcro curlers work? I mean, it amazes me that my hair actually curls using rollers with no heat in them.

Why do I think I am in a perfectly pleasant mood until someone talks to me and I bite their head off and realize that I am not in a good mood at all?

Why do babies wait until they have a clean diaper on to go poo?

Why does my baby prefer to go poo while standing in the back of my walk-in closet... right behind my bridesmaid dress from my sister's wedding?

Why is is that I can't stand the Wiggles and think they are all mentally deranged, but I have little crushes on the Imagination Movers?

Why can't I go to Vegas with my friend just because my husband is deployed? What trouble could I possibly get into in Vegas?

Why did Jennifer Aniston ever date that tool John Mayer?

Why does the nail polish on my toes last for years, but the nail polish on my fingers only lasts for half a day before it chips?

How come there are not any shows on TV like Laverne and Shirley or Happy Days anymore?

Am I the only one that misses big hair'd 80's rock bands?

Why do I feel the need to buy magazines that will give the diet secrets of the stars when I know that their secrets are really just diet pills and starvation?

Why is plastic surgery so damn expensive.

Why does my 14 year old think she deserves a social life on the weekend? pffft.

Why does a rabbit hide eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs, they lay rabbits... Why don't we have a Easter Chicken?

Why does getting a text message excite me?

Why does it take me 30 minutes to text someone back and it only takes them half a second to respond again?

What in the world is a SMS Message?

Is Chad Kroeger married?

Sigh.

Rode Hard and Put Up Wet... All The Way To Miss June's Monday Swoon

2009-04-06T00:18:00.020-04:00

(Thanks for the photog Outlaw)

A wise woman put her request in early for this week's Monday Swoon. It seems that cowboys are what makes her all giddy and happy... and you know me, I aim to please when it comes to the faithful Six-Packers.

When I read that she wanted cowboys-I didn't hesitate and happily started scouring the Internet for photogs of celebrities in cowboy roles-because let's face it ladies-the Monday Swoons are all about the eye candy that we see at the movies. I could put my husband on the Monday Swoon every week... but eventually you all would want to hunt me down and kill me so that you could steal my meaty piece of swoon and I have to protect what is mine, and THAT is why I put celebrities on this blog. Honest. Cross my heart.

I sat and tried to think of a movie star who was a cowboy and I came up with little because if I am being honest, cowboy movies are for the mens-not the wimins... and even though we may go see a cowboy movie with our main squeeze, we really don't want to be there but are going in order to make the man that we love and adore happy... because that is what we women are all about... making our man happy. Happy and content. Happy, content and in charge. Happy, content, in charge and made to think he is Superman. Yep-Superman. I don't know how men misread our signals because I know as well as you do that we women would not complain one iota about socks on the floor or the toilet seat up if they would just put a cowboy hat on every once in a while, tip it at us when they see us and say "Howdy Ma'am" with a southern drawl that would make our knees weak. It wouldn't hurt if they had a pair of Wrangler jeans on and some cowboy boots complete with spurs and the earth's dirt from a hard day out on the ranch either.

Yes Sir... we are simple creatures aren't we ladies?

So... without further adieu, let's saddle up shall we?

Now, because of Six-Pack rules and guidelines, it states in chapter 45 page 764 line 4 subtext 7b, of the "handbook" that I must put a movie star on the Monday Swoon... so I put the only cowboy movie star that I could think of. Sam Elliot is the only one I could think of because once I remembered that he was Virgil Earp in Tombstone-I couldn't remember what day it was let alone any other actors playing cowboys. I mean, just look at him.... if he ain't a swoon-I don't know who is!

Black hat... check. Ironed shirt... check. Strong jaw... check. Tiny waist above a tiny ass... check.

8 seconds... that is all I need too.

Look at the power between his legs. Mercy.

I wonder if he likes to watch sunsets over the prairie.

I would like to kiss the person who invented chaps.

You can carry a gun on you... but you can't go into a bar with spurs on your boots. Honest-that was a rule when we lived in Prescott AZ-no spurs allowed on your boots in a bar... but you could have your gun as long as it was not concealed... so not only were there cowboys with hats and boots and wranglers-but they had holsters attached to their waists slightly slinging down with a gun sitting in it. No wonder all of those pioneer women had so many babies.

Seriously? Is it getting hot in here?

Oh Lawsy me!

Cowboy 1: "So last night I ran a bath for my wife and put bubbles in it and lit some candles."
Cowboy 2: "Nah?"

Cowboy 1: "Yessir, I read in Cosmo that the lady folk like that kind of thing."

Cowboy 3: "Really, What else did you read?"

Cowboy 1: "Women like a sensitive man-so I listened to her talk about her fight with her best girlfriend for an hour."

Cowboy2: "Nah?"

Cowboy 1: "Yeah, and then I suggested that we just cuddle when we went to bed."

Cowboy 3: "What kind of devil book is this Cosmo?"

Cowboy 1: "It works I tell ya! When I suggested we cuddle she told me to go get my chaps on-and nothing else and meet her in the bedroom."

Cowboy 2: "Nah?"

Cowboy 1: "Cosmo knows it's stuff, now lets go get all dirty and sweaty and brand us some livestock."

Cowboy 3: "Are those the chaps you wore last night?"

Cowboy 1: "Yeah, why?"

Cowboy 3: "Are they the ones you wore on Monday when we cut all of the calf nuts off and you were wiping your bloody knife on them?"

Cowboy 1: "Yeah... so?"

Cowboy 3: "I wonder what Cosmo would say about that!"

Have saddle... will ride.

Mama's don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys... because then they would look like this and I don't know if the earth could stand to have too many men who looked like they could eat nails for breakfast. Us women would get NOTHING done!

That is either a angry bull behind him or an angry woman. eh, I bet is it a bull... how could anyone stay mad long at a man who could stand like that? The anticipation is killin' me!

Cowboys are patriots.

Enjoy ladies! Y'all come back now ya' hear?

I Went To Hot Yoga And All I Got Was Wet Shorts...

2009-04-04T16:12:00.007-04:00

I was all set to give you a rip-roaring horror story about my morning "Hot Yoga" experience... but I have to admit, I kind of loved it.

I know! How weird is that? I mean, I hate anything to do with working out and what is worse is that I hate anything to do with sweating and being hot. I make it a personal rule to never sweat-even when I did work out (as in running, aerobics, and yes... spinning hell class) I did not sweat that much-I always thought of myself as a "glistener"... I "glistened" during those work out regiments and I was fine with that because I did not want to be one of those people who sweat so much that there are drips coming off of their noses and down their arms and pooling in the crotch of their underpants. No-I did not want to sweat so the simple fact that my body did not sweat so much was fine with me. I chucked it up to good genes... or the fact that I probably walk around dehydrated, but that was okay with me-I would rather be dehydrated than look like a wet rag.

But today, I sweat like a pig. Yep. I even had it dripping off of the end of my nose... and guess what? I loved it.

I know! How weird!

You see, "Hot Yoga" is a class where you do some yoga stances in a 105 degree room-and the more people in the class, the hotter the room will get. I think it was about 115 degrees when we were done, which is what I am sure the surface of the sun is set at.

My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest and I couldn't figure out why because we were basically stretching for 90 minutes... yes, 90 minutes of stretching things that I didn't know needed to be stretched in a room as hot as Satan's bedroom.

Did I mention that I was half naked? Yeah-I knew it was going to be hot and my friend had told me to wear as little clothing as possible-so I donned a tank top and itty bitty shorts and stretched myself bending and posing and pulling and leaning. The last time I did so many positions with so little clothing was in January when The Ward was home... and the last time I was in a room full of other half naked people was-uhm, never mind.

I think this may be something that I actually DO... not just say I am going to do and then give up after a while because I can't handle the running and the grapevine moves and the weight lifting and the instructor that tells you you only have 12 more reps of something and then tricks you and makes you do another 12.

I liked the instructor-and she didn't make us bow or pray or say any foreign words. It was all very chill-well, other than the fact that it is hard to chill when you are sitting in hell's waiting room-but you know what I mean.

So it is official... I may just be a granola. First I cut out meat and become a vegetarian... now I am taking up yoga.... next thing you know I'll stop shaving my arm pits and move into a tree.

Pfft... stop shaving my arm pits? No... I am obsessed with shaving my arm pits-and if you know me at all you know that I have OCD with certain things like mascara application and deodorant strokes-so I think I would go crazy if I stopped shaving the pits. Not as crazy as I am right now knowing that I enjoyed sweating like a construction worker this morning-but still crazy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look up the meaning of chung fu-or was it sheng fui-maybe shuang fei. Something like that...

Random Moments Of Clarity... Sort Of

2009-04-03T09:33:00.004-04:00

Do you ever wake up in the morning and walk through your house and get that "I must clean" feeling? You know the one-the one where you just have to clean your house or you will go stark raving mad at all of the crap everywhere?

That is me today-granted, Friday is my usual "overhaul" day in the house... but I usually do it begrudgingly because I have already picked up the house Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so it pisses me off that I am cleaning it once again on Friday-but I like to go into the weekend with a clean house, you know, in case someone important stops by... like the Queen of England or a random rock star. It also offers me the opportunity of nagging my children the entire weekend by saying things like "Pick up your socks! I just cleaned this place!" or "Put your dishes away-what do you think I am your maid?" and even "I slave and slave around here, giving my life blood to keep this place looking nice and you don't care! Nobody loves me! Nobody cares about their dear old mother... but that is fine, I'll just keep slaving away after you and one day when I am dead and gone and my gravestone is so overgrown with weeds because you never go out to the cemetery to visit me and clean it up-you will think about your old mom and of all the things I did for you-you lazy twerps! I hope you have children just like you when you grow up-then you'll love your mother."

Yes, today I woke up with that really good urge to clean-the urge that will even make me WANT to scrub behind the toilet that my 11 year old son uses (gross) and clean out the fridge... including that mysterious dish in the very back that has been there for 3 months and I forget what was originally in it... because now it looks like a science fair project.

Anyway, in other news...

I have a really good bitch and moan post brewing inside of me that I will share this weekend I am sure... but it is contingent upon how many beers I consume, which may not be many seeing as I am going to take my first "Hot Yoga" class tomorrow morning and I am supposed to be putting only water into my body and not alcohol (stupid class). I will be sure to give you the update of this class-especially since I hate anything that makes me sweat and the thought of any kind of exercise makes me break out in hives... but I am going to try this because it is spring which means summer is right around that corner and I will be forced to take my children to the pool and wear a bathing suit in public. Groan.

Oh-one last thing, does anyone watch any of those housewives shows on Bravo? You know-the Orange County, Atlanta, New York Housewives where they find the most annoying women completely out of touch with reality and ironically film them to make a reality show? Well, it seems they are going to have a Housewives of New Jersey now (premier May12). Why don't they do something normal like "The Real Housewives of Omaha"where they show normal women-women who clean their own houses, raise their own children, cook their own dinners and do not have jewelry lines or clothing lines or cocaine lines? Why do we have to watch plastic women leading lives that we will never lead? It pisses me off-just like those commercials with Kelly Ripa where she has all of those really expensive appliances that make her life so easy that she makes us normal housewives look like peasants and horrible mothers. TV producers can suck it if they think flaunting someone who is rich and has a chef, trainer, nanny and a maid in front of my face on the television is going to make me want to buy their product. Put ME on a commercial-I'll tell you like it is.

I think I may be starting to PMS... which may explain why I ate 3 loaves of bread yesterday.

Gird you loins Six-Packers... I have a feeling this one is going to be a doozy.

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We Took A Wrong Turn Down The River...

2009-04-02T09:28:00.006-04:00

A few weeks ago I had heard that Buckcherry was going to be at a local pub playing a free concert. Now, I don't know about you, but when I hear the words "free" and "pub" I sign my name on the dotted line and plan on attending. The best part was that a local radio station, 98.5 was sponsoring the concert so not only were tickets free but beer would only be 98 cents from 7-9 PM. Oh-and the pub in question? Muldoons... so yeah-it is an Irish pub. If it were my birthday I would be pinching myself to make sure I was not dreaming.

Now, Buckcherry* is a very scary looking band-I personally do not find them swoon worthy in the least-but they can rock... and therefore I was pretty excited to go see them. I called up my partner in crime Lisa to see if she and her husband wanted to go, and they said yes before I even finished telling them where Buckcherry was playing. That is why I love them so.

The doors opened at 6 PM and Buckcherry would not be on stage until 9, so we figured it we got there around 5ish we should be okay.

Boy... were we wrong.

It seems that when people hear the words "free" and "concert" they come out in droves... and these aren't your typical June Cleaver-Six-Pack type of people... no, these are teeth missing, homeless, frightening looking, deliverance type of people.

Now, I also should have known that if an Irish Pub says they would open the doors at 6 PM, what they really mean is that they are opening the doors sometime after they wake up in the morning and stagger to the front door and unlock it, because the place was packed and we heard people saying that they had been sitting in there since noon. Fricken' Irish people-I was ashamed at how devious my own countrymen were... and a little disappointed in myself that I had not thought of it first.

So we were on the outside with people who looked like they were missing a few vital chromosomes and the people in the "garden" area of the pub were mocking us and drinking their beer and dancing around until I wanted to throw a rock and beam them in the head.

We gave up around 7 PM because the sun was going down and it was starting to get cold and let's face it... we weren't getting in. The "one-out-one-in" theory is a great one as long as people are leaving the pub... but seeing as Buckcherry was not performing for another 2 hours, it got old waiting for people to get drunk and be thrown out by a bouncer in order to us to make it through the doors.

Besides... we are old-older than most of the kids who were there with their mother and father, who were also brother and sister... so we thought it best to cut our losses and make like a baby and head out.

We decided to go get some sushi and feasted on alcohol, sushi and spicy shrimp at a very posh restaurant that made us feel like we were one with our surroundings again.

I was home by 9:30 and fast asleep by 10, so all in all... I'd say the night was a success.

Sigh.

*The above photog of Buckcherry was the nicest one I could find of the band-I didn't want to scare the crap out of my mother by posting this one, or this one.

Layna... Did You Think The Six-Pack Would Forget?

2009-04-01T09:13:00.006-04:00

Happy Birthday Layna....

Here's hoping you have your cake...

and eat it too!

Do I Dazzle You? Pfft... That's A Silly Question.

2009-03-31T00:22:00.009-04:00

The other day I received an email from my friend Stacy in Virginia. It seems Stacy and my other friend Beth have been feeling rather sorry for me that my husband is deployed and I am all alone-with no man to watch over me.

The email was rather cryptic-but I knew that they had decided to send me a little gift... something I am sure they found on-line while drunk and ignoring their own husbands.

Well... Saturday I received their package.

I did not even realize that I had a package on my front porch until late in the afternoon. I grabbed a knife and started cutting the tape to this rather large, flat package.

As I pulled the cardboard box apart I saw a pair of shoes staring back at me.

My heart started to flutter and I yelled... no... I screamed for my oldest daughter to come quickly. She ran to me as if I was on fire-that is how urgent my voice sounded, which made me think that the next time I needed her to take her laundry downstairs or needed her to wash the dishes, I just need to scream as if I have fallen and broken a hip and I need her help.

Anyway... I start to open the package and Hope sees the shoes as well and starts to scream. She screamed so loud that I think people in Canada may have heard her. If you are from Canada and reading this blog today-please let me know if you heard Hope and her primal-guttural screams on Saturday.

This is what Stacy and Beth-my wonderful, beer chugging, husband complaining, Twilight freak-loving, cougar friends sent me...

That's right... come to mama. Do you see how he is leaning into me?

Hope has invited all of her friends over to take a picture with Edward Cullen. She has even made the statement that from now on, any picture we take, Edward has to be in it as well. I can't wait to see her prom pictures in 5 years!

So, it has become perfectly clear to me that I have the best friends in the world!

Now, you must know that Edward has cooked dinner with me, watched television with me, folded laundry with me... and I can neither confirm nor deny if he has watched me shower. Ahem.

The first night I had him in the corner of my bedroom and The Ward called me on my web cam and saw a man-a vampire no less-standing in the corner of our bedroom. He calmed down after he found out it was a cardboard cut-out, but he still told my life sized Edward that he had his eye on him and that he better not make any moves on his girl. Sigh-my husband is such a scrapper, I didn't have the heart to tell him that he would not be able to win a fight with a vampire.

When I turned the lights out to go to sleep, I freaked out a little that Edward was standing in the corner of my bedroom watching me sleep... so I moved him into the walk-in closet and apologized for my shyness.

The second night was much better and he has not moved from his post-watching over me. He will stay there until August when The Ward comes home and then I will move him into Hope's room-but promise to visit him every day.

Stacy told me that Beth's concern was whether or not he would fit in my bed.

I was shocked at her insinuation...

Of course he would fit in my bed, come hell or high water, he would fit in my bed. He is a little stiff... but hey... I ain't complaining.

giggle.

Humor is the Shortcut to a Monday Swoon...

2009-03-30T00:01:00.001-04:00

Apparently Martin Merrill thinks that the sure-fire way for a man to hook a woman is to make her laugh.

Hmmm... I would have to agree. Laughter is a big turn on, and if you have a man that can make you laugh... well you know what it is like to smile from the inside out.

So... because it is Monday and Mondays are of the utmost importance at the Six-Pack, I have decided to give you a few men that will make you laugh your little butts off-and in return make you want to run away with them and laugh for the rest of your life. Enjoy the smiles ladies!

You know I had to start this off with Jim Carrey. C'mon-you know you can't help but swoon over him...

“My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'.”

Mercy...

I have had Craig Ferguson this here blog before. He makes me giggle and laugh my cookies off. If you have never seen the Late Late Show-well you are missing out. Set your alarm if you have to and at least watch his monologue-his accent alone will keep you coming back every night.

"I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I’m saying... "

Oh, I know what you're sayin' Craig.

Sure, Ben Stiller is the size of an average 10 year old boy... but have you seen the guns on this guy? The guns and the laughs-that is what is is all about ladies... oh, and his eyes.

Frank and Beans... need I say more?

Ahhh, Peter Cook... sure he didn't make it as far as Dudley Moore, but I think he was a hoot. If you don't believe me-go rent Bedazzled (no, not the one with Elizabeth Hurley) and see for yourself.

And if you still don't know who the hell Peter Cook is, for goodness sake think of the movie The Princess Bride and try and recall the impressive clergyman--the one with a speech impediment. Yeah-that is him.

Conan O'Brien is the tallest leprechaun in the world-and he is the funniest as well! Of course he is funny... he is Irish.

Wanna laugh? Go here.

Kevin James is hands down one of the funniest guys around... so that makes him absolutely 100% swoon worthy. My little sister (who is bea-u-tiful) always said that if she met Kevin James she would marry him. Too bad for Kevin she is already married-to a pretty funny guy. Poor Kevin James... he doesn't know what he could have had.

Just look at him... he'd wear ya out just laughing at his jokes. What a way to get tired!

Oh Chevy-you are so funny and hot that they not only named a town after you, but also a bank! Wow! Now that is some serious swoon-abilities.

... and I don't know about you, but every time I see my husband pick up his golf clubs to head out to the course, I can't help but think to myself "nanananananana."

Ah, Adam Sandler. I liked him more when he was younger and singing songs like "Lunch Lady" and "Grow Old With You"

Do you see his t-shirt? That is his wife and daughter... yeah-swoon!

Plus... Happy Gilmore is probably one of the funniest movies of all time. Amen.

I saved the best for last... if you don't know who this bloke is-well... I feel sorry for you. Think Shaun of the Dead. Think Hot Fuzz. Think Spaced-although you probably don't know that one because it is a Bri-ish television show... but if you come across it, WATCH IT! Think Run Fat Boy Run (which is so damn funny that I about pee'd myself)

Ladies... I give you the biggest swoon for this Monday. I can't help but love him-the cheeky bugger... Simon Pegg!

He doesn't look like much, but I promise, you will be glad I introduced him to you.

And... AND... I was at a movie this past weekend and saw the preview for the new Star Trek movie and guess who is playing Scotty? That's right... Simon Swoon Pegg.

And for those ladies out there who are the funny ones in the marriage and may or may not have a husband that may or may not laugh at any of your HILARIOUS jokes and stunts... this one is for you:

Good God Above... look at that man's thighs! You know... on second thought-do you really care if he laughs at your jokes?

Yeah... me neither.

Happy Monday!

Spare the Rod... Spoil the Child

2009-03-27T09:50:00.004-04:00

A 14 year old Trenton New Jersey girl has been arrested for posting nude pictures of herself on her myspace page. What are the charges? Child Pornography. What are the consequences? She may have to register as a sex-offender for the rest of her life. Who is to blame? Mom and Dad.

Wake up Mom and Dad! Are you serious? Your daughter just posted 30 nude pictures of herself so that her boyfriend could view them. What are you gonna do now... and whatever it is... are you too late?

Wanna know what my dad would have done? He would have beat my ass-that is what.

When I was a kid, I feared many things. One of those things was my father. I knew that if I even thought of doing something so obscenely wrong, my world would have been annihilated by the one man who was trying to get me through adolescents with as few scrapes and bruises possible.

Did I think he was unfair? Yes. Did I think he was uncool? Yes.

Did he give a rats ass if I thought he was a tyrant whose soul purpose in life was to ruin my social standing? Nope.

What is it with kids today? Sure, you could blame the Internet, television, movies, and music... but who allows them free access to these things? Mom and Dad.

How about setting some standards in your home-we all know what standards are right? They are RULES. We have rules in our house-and one of them is a wooden spoon.

My son knows the wooden spoon very well-heck, it even took up residence above his bedroom door for a few years.

I love when critics of "spanking" and "discipline" call this corporal punishment. There are all kinds of "studies" out there that show spanking to be the cause of alcoholism, anxiety, depression and drug abuse blah blah blah... Hmmm-I wonder where the studies are for the kids who weren't disciplined and were allowed to walk all over mom and dad and be "independent" and a "free spirit" during those precious childhood years. Oh wait... I think we may be able to look at that 14 year old girl at the top of this post and figure that one out.

As for my relationship with my father-it is great. He and I are extremely close and I am thankful that my mom and dad took on the job of parenting seriously. I can honestly say that I would not be here today if it were not for my parents and their strong discipline.

Did I think it was unfair that I was only allowed to go out one night of the weekend? Yes.

Did I think it was unfair when my father would pick up the other end of the phone after only 10 minutes of talking to a friend and say "Time to get off the phone... now"? Yes.

Did I think it was unfair that I couldn't date a boy until I was a sophomore in high school and on my first date my dad followed us the entire night in his car? Yes.

Did I eventually stop getting asked out on dates because I had a great big father who made teenage boys squirm by simply looking at them? Yes.

Now, I am not saying I was the perfect child-ha! Far from it... but the amount of trouble I did get into in no way compares to the amount of trouble I could have gotten into if I did not have parents who were willing to make me tow the line.

So stop being selfish parents! The first job you have is to get your kids through life in a loving and fair way. This is the job we have been handed... if you aren't going to do your job-then I don't want my kid hanging out with your kid and I will have no problem telling you why.

So Wake Up before you find your daughter's "real" myspace page (not the fake one she told you about and gave you the password to so that you can be fooled into thinking she is still best friends with her kindergarten buddy and still wears ribbons in her hair) or before you are taking your son to the doctor because he has a mysterious rash that won't go away.

They may hate you for it now... but one day they will thank you for standing up for their life.

Oh-and don't forget to PRAY!!!